MY --==phat42==-- TOTS

2012-02-05T01:59:00.002+08:00

last entry was on 11.11.11.. just realized that.. hehehe..

new year.. but nothing new on my part.. haha.. still the old complications and old sorrows in my old soul.. sometimes i look at myself and think how i reached here? once a serious (in the things i do) but also carefree person (on the general outlook of life).. now i have pessimism and negativity oozing out of my pores.. i am afraid and sad of the person i have become.. the part that i hate the most is the fact i can identify the problem and keep trying to fix it.. but i always fall back to the old routine.. i keep disappointing myself again and again..

i have been hurt so much that i have become so cold and distant.. even to the ones that are close to me, what i show is a front.. or maybe i'm just living up to the capricorn adage.. that we find it hard to let anybody in.. but cuz of that, people think we're self sufficient.. don't get me wrong, we are.. but we're only humans.. we need love & appreciation too.. but people seem to think we don't need it at all.. we're always misread by others.. such a shame, when we read others so well.. we're so low key people forget we exist..

and so we're stuck in this vicious cycle of being un-appreciated but not knowing how to address it.. we have this way of making things look effortless and easy that people forget the sheer effort we made to help them..
we do something for somebody > we look like we don't need the appreciation > but inside begging for it > but not getting any appreciation in the end > people think we're doing fine without it > people show appreciation for the things done by others > we wonder why we're not shown the same appreciation > deep down, we know why but hope to be proved wrong > we then begin to feel used > made worse when conversations with said people end up being conversations about the efforts of others > we nod our heads in agreement > while dying inside > we then make a resolution not to care too much anymore > cuz all it does is hurt us > our resolutions falter > said people ask for our help again > back to beginning of paragraph

it's the same cycle with everyone.. i don't actually lose anything if i lost them.. just less friends.. but really, what have they done for me?

but the things i've done for them? haha.. it's a list i'll be typing till christmas..

2011-11-11T11:24:00.002+08:00

think black hole is back.. starting to think dark thoughts..

feeling as if they are only around because of what i can give them.. causes a sharp pain in my heart to find out that the efforts of others are published to the world while mine is just for me to know.. when my efforts are the ones that saved them from a certain "death"..

i know they care.. sometimes i wished they let me know that they do instead of taking it for granted that i know..

cuz right now, it makes me feel like they don't.. i only hear those words when i help them out of a ditch.. on normal days, it doesnt matter?

i'm the one that saves them.. but it doesnt matter.. what matters is the one they ride into the sunset with..

that person is not me..

2011-10-03T21:37:00.003+08:00

guess they're more upset than they let on.. funny, i become the reason to be mad at.. when they're the dysfunctional ones.. one has an obsession with birthdays.. which i don't get, especially that now we're getting older.. i don't think i enjoy being reminded every year that i'm getting older.. & the other one just can't let this one go..

it ain't my fucking fault you guys broke up.. & too bad you couldn't go on any trip when you're with her.. the first time around, i had no problem if you followed.. but she made the call, not me.. then this time, she will only allow you to follow if i go with her..

so, now that i cancelled, you can't go.. and it's my fault..?? really..?? that petty..?? i swear you're such a cancerian..

i admit, it was my fault for saying yes in the first place.. but i really thought i could squeeze it.. but i realized that i can't.. can't i make mistakes..??

what do you all want from me..? perfection..?? it was a bad call.. but you don't have to rub it in right..?

go, tweet the whole world about it.. think i don't know..?

god, the things i do for the both of you.. & yet, just after one mistake.. u all act like i've sold your souls to the devil..

2011-09-06T15:28:00.002+08:00

i thought it was over.. said to me to just let it go & let it be.. but when we talk, that subject will be touched upon.. & every word is a sharp jab to my heart.. do i feel guilty? i'm not sure.. partly i am, partly i'm not.. yes, i started the snowball.. but it was never a snowball i intended to start at all.. what i started off with was best intentions.. all i had was best intentions.. i don't know when it all became a big fucking mess..

but it sucks to be judged.. when the guy judging me doesn't even know me.. funny thing, i even stood up for him when she was having doubts.. but of course, he doesn't know that.. what he knows is that i couldn't keep my mouth shut.. i can lash out at somebody else who i know is responsible to justify my guilt.. but what would be the point? really, why does it matter who wins? cuz in the end, i always lose.. so, ya..

damn facebook.. that's where it all started.. to think that i don't even have an account..

what happened can be enough to push me into my dark hole.. i'm not saying i'm spinning out just cuz of this but there has been other things happening too.. this could be the push i needed.. i've stayed off it for quite awhile.. but too much has happened this year.. i can only take so much..

and to see her sad.. it makes me feel as guilty as hell.. though i'm not 100% responsible for it.. but still.. 1% is enough..

2011-09-01T16:27:00.002+08:00

i know she blames me.. i started the snowball.. when i asked if she was angry at me, she didn't say yes.. but she didn't say no either.. just said that things have happened & it is what it is now.. but i know she does.. actually, i'd feel better if she does.. i don't know why but i just do.. sometimes, i know that i'm not in the wrong.. but if it makes it easier just to blame me, i'll just keep quiet & take it.. i know i should fight for myself but i can't be bothered to.. i just don't see the point.. why does it matter who wins?

everytime she cries, my heart breaks.. all i wanted was to help.. but i don't know why i always make things worse.. this is not the first time it happened.. it's been a few times.. everytime it happens, i feel more & more pathetic..

and this may sound pathetic.. it does to me.. but everytime this happens, i cry.. nobody knows & nobody will understand the helplessness i feel.. some people will say i took it too hard.. but if it is failure after failure after failure.. it kinda gets too much..

but i will always have a facade.. even though it's bothering me too much, nobody will hear about it.. but inside i feel so pathetic & stupid.. tried to talk about it but i didn't get to hear what i wanted to hear.. sometimes i wish there were 2 of me.. when it comes to listening, i know i'm the best.. but nobody can listen to me like i do with them.. that's where it sucks..

i feel like crying now.. it's not a nice feeling, letting your friends down.. especially when in your heart, you know that you wanted the opposite.. that you've actually sacrificed your time, emotions & energy to help them out.. only to have it all crumble down.. and there's nothing i can do to turn back time.. and in the end, it doesn't matter how much you try.. it's the end product that will be talked about.. so it doesn't matter that i died for them if in the end it doesn't help anything.. sucky deal huh?

when i'm in my dark hole, i always wonder why people want to be friends with me? when i can't do anything right..

i'm their friends.. but are they mine? or are they just there cuz i can give them what they want?

2011-09-01T15:28:00.002+08:00

i feel like i shouldn't help.. i'm incompetent that way.. i start off with the best intention in mind.. but i always make it worse.. i'm the worse mediator, period.. i can listen well.. but i can't solve problems.. & it makes me want to just give up helping.. they'll say i'm being too sensitive about it.. but they have to look at it from my angle.. itz a really sucky feeling.. that you caused something unpleasant to happen.. when all you wanted to do was to make it better.. everytime it happens, it really feels like a punch to the gut.. cuz everytime it happens, i get blindsided by it.. & then i'll tell them not to talk to me anymore.. but they'll say i'm being sensitive & emo..

of course, the obvious & easiest answer is not to have friends.. then i won't be caught in any conundrums.. maybe last time, when i didn't have friends, i could have done it.. but to do it now, think it'll be hard..

caught between a rock & a hard place..

so cliched..

but so true..

2011-08-09T03:12:00.002+08:00

November 2010.. that was my last post.. as usual, an angry post.. haha.. besides god, this is the only place for me to talk my heart out.. talking to god always makes me cry though.. and i feel guilty about wasting his time since i'm such a sinner.. oh well..

November 2010.. the period where some unexpected things happened.. managed to click with persons from one side of my family.. persons i never thought i would click with.. managed to fall for one of them even.. wearing a bleeding heart on my sleeve.. forever making that mistake..

i really wish i'd stop loving people who won't love me back.. well, they do love me back.. just not in the sense that i want them to.. i really really really wish i can stop doing that.. but what the mind thinks, the heart doesn't listen to.. and the heart always overrules the mind.. darn it..

November 2010.. had abit of fun here & there.. the period i started to enjoy clubbing.. haha.. makes me laugh even as i typed that sentence out.. me, enjoying clubbing..? haha.. who would've thought..? least of all me.. well, had some interesting times out of it..

August 2011.. alot has changed.. my perceptions of many people have changed.. i used to be blind to the one-sidedness of my friendships cuz i loved them too much.. i loved them to a fault.. that i didn't see i wasn't being given the same treatment..

but who am i to demand it from them..? i went to the moon & back for all of them.. but i can't expect them to do the same.. they asked for my help but i had a choice not to.. it was my decision & mine alone to go the extra mile.. guess this is where it hurts.. cuz i know it in my mind that i cant expect people to treat me the same way i treat them.. but when it comes to the crunch, i wish it was otherwise.. i wished that they'd prove wrong what i knew in my mind..

but they've always proved me right.. & really, i can't blame them.. just myself, for expecting too much..

they're not the ones i call when i need someone to talk to.. they're not the ones who make me feel better when i'm feeling down.. they're not the ones running out in the middle of the night when i need somebody..

but i have done all of the above for them..

wish i could do it for me too..

and still i wear that bleeding heart on my sleeve..

2010-11-04T15:42:00.002+08:00

why is it that people think they can play their mind games with me? i'm immune to that. i will not respond to people thinking i'll retreat when they threathen me with certain information.

fucking stupid, the lot of you. to think of the times i've been a friend to you. my time, my energy, my money and my emotions. all i asked for is one favor. and you act like i asked you to go to the moon and back for me.

i told myself not to care so much. because i won't get the same treatment in return. and the thing is that i can't expect people to care just because i do. i know that. but it still hurts when it actually happens. it still hurts when the moments comes and all those thoughts in your head become a reality. you tell yourself that you know better than to expect anything back from them. that it's ok if they don't care as much as you do.

but when it happens, it's a different feeling altogether.

it fucking hurts.

2010-07-25T03:46:00.002+08:00

where am i compared to when i last blogged..? not that much of a difference.. a lil better on the career front.. but still fucked up eveywhere else.. as per normal, i do or say something silly everyday.. funny how it doesn't seem silly in a given heat of the moment.. but oh so embarrassing to think about after said moment has passed and i think of the consequences of what i have just done/said.. i am so fucked up.. is there NOTHING i can do right..???!!!?!??

2009-05-07T16:37:00.002+08:00

i've been down
and i'm wondering why
these little black clouds
keep walking around with me
with me

it wastes time
and i'd rather be high
think i'll walk me outside
and buy a rainbow smile
but be free
they're all free

so maybe tomorrow
i'll find my way home
so maybe tomorrow
i'll find my way home

i look around at a beautiful life
been the upperside of down
been the inside of out
but we breathe
we breathe

i want a breeze and an open mind
i wanna swim in the ocean
wanna take my time for me
all me

so maybe tomorrow
i'll find my way home
so maybe tomorrow
i'll find my way home

2009-04-29T14:18:00.002+08:00

i've lost myself..

i couldn't cope with losing the people i loved and i turned to a world which offered me an instant comfort & escape.. i know this world won't last long.. but right at this moment, it's the only thing that feels right.. the only place where i feel like i belong..

cuz i know i don't belong anywhere else.. i try to fit in but i can't.. i'm a square and i'm trying to fit into a round space..

i'm trying hard to make people understand that it's not their fault.. that i was just born this way.. maybe i could blame on it my parents for making me an only child or i could blame the world for not treating me right.. but in the end, it's nobody's fault but my own..

call it low self-esteem, call it an inferiority complex.. call it whatever you want.. i know what i am.. and i am trying my best to fix it.. but sometimes life tells me to stop trying cuz it's never gonna work..

and this is when i slip into the darkness.. cuz no matter what i do or no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to convince myself why i'm still stuck on the outside..

i can be there, physically.. but i feel detached.. it's like i can see myself trying to fit in.. but i can't seem to penetrate that barrier.. it's almost physical, the detached feeling i get sometimes.. i feel like everyone is behind one line and i'm on the other.. there are lines drawn everywhere around me.. separating me from everyone else.. even though we're all sitting in one area or even one table..

i hate it when this happens.. and i lash out at everyone.. to release my anger about myself..

there is nothing but walls around me..

and i can't figure out how to go through it..

2009-04-29T10:18:00.000+08:00

wake in a sweat again
another day's been laid to waste
in my disgrace
stuck in my head again
feels like i'll never leave this place
there's no escape
i'm my own worst enemy

i've given up
i'm sick of failing
is there nothing you can say?
take this all away
i'm suffocating
tell me what the fuck is wrong with me?

i don't know what to take
thought i was focused but i'm scared
i'm not prepared
i hyperventilate
looking for help somehow, somewhere
and no one cares
i'm my own worst enemy

put me out of my misery
put me out of my fucking misery

2009-04-06T17:36:00.003+08:00

falling away.. from the things i thought that were gonna last.. the same thing that has happened before, is happening again.. i should have learnt my lesson the 1st time round.. but i got complacent.. choosing to believe in the bright side of life.. i forgot that, that very metaphor does not apply to me..

when will i learn..? that i'm not like everybody else..

2009-02-23T12:40:00.000+08:00

2009-02-11T16:20:00.002+08:00

i'm not so good at expressing myself..

so, the words below is my way of saying thanks to you guyz.. thanks for being a friend to a depressed & confused human being..

thanks to principessa, siti m. & viv..

and to you, jaimee.. thanks for loving me, again.. i guess you proved me wrong.. i needed you after all.. (",) and to nataly, i'm sorry if i hurt you.. please know that i didn't mean to.. i really had no idea about you guyz.. i wish the both of you the best in life.. thanks for being by my side..

as a footnote, i love you all..

take care..

..:: ON THE SIDE OF ME ::..

i'm not the easiest person to love
i'm often the one who lets things go unresolved

yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

i'm not too proud of some things
i've done in my life
the skeletons in my closet
are too big for me to hide

yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
blessed charity

everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
i remember when nobody cared
but you

i'm not the easiest person to love
but you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth

'cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
what a mystery
you're on the side of me
on the side of me

i remember when nobody cared
nobody cared
but you

2009-01-28T11:57:00.001+08:00

stupid.. and dumb..

moody.. and cranky..

yep.. pretty much describes what i'm feeling nowadays..

ok, time to slit my wrists..

2009-01-25T12:42:00.003+08:00

solitude..

the one thing i craved for, alot of times before.. but never getting it..

now that i don't need it, it's following me like a shadow..

constantly mocking me..

2009-01-23T16:50:00.002+08:00

it hurts.. it hurts very much, right now..

i have to stop taking those things but things are too fucked up right now..

i heard his voice today, many miles away from me.. but it sounded like he was right beside me.. i'm happy that he's happy.. but it kills me too..

i have to get over him before i kill myself..

i never asked for you.. i never asked for all of this to happen..

why did you have to love me..?

2009-01-15T10:56:00.002+08:00

blank-ness.. i could only find these words in my mind..

..:: MY CURSE ::..

i watched you walk away
helpless, with nothing to say
i strain my eyes, hoping to see you again

this is my curse - the longing
this is my curse - time
this is my curse - the yearning
this is my curse

there is love, burning to find you
will you wait for me?
will you be there?

your silence haunts me
but still i hunger for you

this is my curse - the one thing
this is my curse - time
this is my curse - the needing
this is my curse

and still i want
and still i ache
but still i wait
to see you again

dying inside these walls
and i see your face, in this tears
and i see your face

there is love

..:: END ::..

2009-01-10T10:33:00.003+08:00

this conversation took place in my head.. i am one person physically but inside my head, there are many of me.. some call it split personality, some call it schizophrenia.. call it whatever you want.. but all i know is that it keeps me sane..

-- ME: --
i'm wondering if i did the "right thing"..? in essence, it seems "right".. at least, it felt like it when i made the decision.. if doing the "right thing" makes two people happy, then it must mean something right..? even if it leaves me with a scar that won't heal [as if i don't have that already].. doing the "right thing" is all noble & good.. but it's making me suffer.. people always say that for every death in this world, a baby is born.. does it apply to love too..? for every couple that falls in love, there are two others that are suffering..? if it's true, then i don't know who the other one is.. but one of them certainly is me..

how convenient..

-- PHAT42: --
after all this pain i'm going through, show me that it's worth something.. j, show me that my suffering is not in vain.. i have to let you go.. cuz you were not strong enough to do that.. but one of us had to do it.. i know you'll learn to love her one day.. just like how you love me.. cuz that's who you are.. a good person.. she can give you what you need.. what you want is another matter.. but right now, at this important stage of your life, you should get what you need 1st..

and maybe, just maybe, when the day comes that there's nothing you need anymore.. and you can focus on what you want.. then i'll be there..

till then, take care.. i'll be fine..

2009-01-02T13:55:00.002+08:00

this is my letter to you.. i know you can hear me..

you know, it's funny.. the times when i'm the happiest are the times that i miss you the most.. people tend to forget the sad when they're happy.. but everytime i'm happy, it's you i remember cuz my 1st instinct is to share it with you.. and then i realize you're not here.. and it hurts so fucking much.. and it made me realize that it's so much easier to be angry & sad.. cuz i can just blame it on you then..

the past year was a mix of good & bad.. i've had good times.. most of it at the later end of the year.. the bad was just some random stuff here & there.. admittedly, more good than bad..

after 7 years, i felt your loss the most this time.. cuz i'm at my happiest this year.. are you happy..? wherever you are..? me, i'm doing ok.. i don't think i can ever get over you properly.. everything i do, everything i see, everything i say.. reminds me of you.. can you tell me what to do..? so i can move on..?

in death & life, i've lost the ones i loved..

in death, i've lost you & our friends whom we held dearly..

and in life, i've lost a friend i cared very much about.. it was nobody's fault.. i lost my friend cuz that's how life wanted it.. i cannot begrudge my friend the happiness my friend deserved.. if this is what it takes to make my friend happy, then i will endure.. if my poison is my friend's cure, then i will swallow..

like all cliches, they are expectedly corny.. but i believe that they also speak of the truth..

if loving someone truly, means to be able to let them go, then i have no choice..

goodbye, 2008..

hello, 2009..

i hope you visit me in my dreams..

i miss you..

2008-12-31T11:15:00.002+08:00

first off.. thanks babe & izzy..!! for spending my birthday with me.. never made such a big hoo-ha out of my birthday before.. so, it's a nice change.. sorry if i wasn't the funnest birthday girl to be around.. hehe.. i really had no idea where to go.. :)

babe, it was seriously super sweet of you lah to surprise me with the NYDC cake.. you could have just passed it to me in the car.. but it wasn't that surprising cuz i saw you in the reflection of my office door.. but i just kept quiet cuz i didn't wanna spoil the surprise.. hehe.. but thanks eh..? that was really thoughtful.. sorry you had to hide from the dog after that.. hehe..

and they picked me up from work.. *so sweet!!!*

had a nice dinner @ Hip Diner.. menu wasn't extensive but the food was OK actually.. i had this dish called the Snail Sausage & Cheese.. somebody HAD to comment that it looked like something gross.. but she tasted it anyways.. babe had the Philly Cheesesteak & izzy had the Fish & Chips, i think..? well, i forgot the name but it looked like Fish & Chips to me.. haha.. and someone had a brainfreeze trying to finish up his Strawberry Fruity Freeze quickly.. :)

we went to Great World to watch a movie after that.. we watched Twilight..!!! of course, the both of them had given me an awesome amount of grieve about me watching it 1st without them.. sorry lah.. i was on a date mah..? but i managed to convince them that i wanted to watch it again.. hehe.. and they surprised me with the birthday present in the car.. i finally got my Crumpler bag..!! yay..!!

someone was pissed that she had to wait an hour before the show starts.. so we walked around for a lack of better thing to do.. then we saw Ben & Jerry's.. i suggested to her we go there to cheer her up a bit.. so, we managed to make her laugh abit.. then she had to be disgusting again.. played around with the leftover ice cream & added tissue & water to it.. and then she finally said it look like something gross.. she had an obsession with the gross stuff today..

accompanied them to smoke 1st before the show starts.. and then the convo had to lead to a very interesting point.. i don't like him ok.. i never will.. i have more fun talking to a wall.. it's never gonna happen people..

saw the show.. babe was sleepy by this point.. i think she slept for the 1st 15mins of the show.. haha.. and her contact lens was moving around.. hehe..

went home after that.. izzy drove me home.. thanks..!! *even though i hate sg chevys*.. hehe..

and this morning i woke up.. and realized i didn't know how to adjust a Crumpler bag..

haha.. :)

awesome-ness..

2008-12-27T14:30:00.002+08:00

hay there..

just reached my workplace.. i know, crazy & lame of me to go to work when everyone else is having fun.. but i can't think of a better thing to do.. i have plans but it's only going to start in the evening.. so i gotta burn time.. no sense staying at home.. it's not really a home to me.. just a shelter to me.. a place to rest & refresh myself..

i meant to go to work early.. so i can finish some stuff that can only be done in the morning since it's a half-day today.. but i couldn't wake up.. hehe.. supposed to pay my town council bill.. had to scrap that plan too since the office closes at 1230pm.. and so i just went to marine parade to pay SP & Singtel bills.. and did some banking stuff..

now here i am at work.. just finished eating my lunch.. trying to start work [checking data entry.. blah].. figured i'd blog 1st..

later..

2008-12-22T18:09:00.002+08:00

Monday.. back to work..

the weekend was alright, i guess.. went to work on Saturday.. half day duty but stayed till 5pm for lack of better things to do.. well, actually worked till 2 plus.. surfed the net for the rest of the time.. hehe.. went home after that cuz i didn't have any plans.. moolah was low & i was starving as i didn't have any lunch.. reached home & started to cook my IndoMee Goreng immediately.. hehe.. switched on Road to Revolution.. enjoyed the food & awesome LP concert.. was washing the dishes when Principessa called.. her plans for the day got fucked up & she asked if i wanted to meet her.. just hang out at PP.. i said sure thing.. the secret one sent her to my place.. talked abit & then he had to go off.. me & Principessa were planning to take the bus to PP actually.. as we were nearing the bus stop, someone realized that she didn't bring her EZ Link card.. and that someone is not gonna pay with coins.. [tak style kan?].. and so, we had to walk back around my n'hood to the main road to get a cab.. just as well we haven't climbed up the overhead bridge yet.. as we were walking, someone had to sing a Malay song.. to those who don't know me, it's not my cup of tea.. only certain songs.. and she was singing one of those really "jiwang" number.. it was the longest walk i ever had in my own n'hood.. haha..

we met Bugsy & Bugsy's friend at PP.. hanged out at Starbuck's [i prefer Coffee Bean, actually].. just talked cock & wasted time.. Bugsy's friend left 1st.. then the 3 of us headed off together.. this is where my night got interesting.. as i was in bus 15, a friend i haven't heard from in awhile called me.. i thought it was a "hi.. how are you..?" call.. apparently not.. she's one of my friends from the past.. we kept on/off contact over the years.. well, save for that mini fling we had.. heh.. ok, the problem was that her house had blacked out.. power trip, obviously.. she's home alone as her family are off vacationing.. i told her i can just give instructions on how to flick the switch back over the phone.. but she was adamant i come over and flick it for her.. great.. she said she's scared she'll get electrocuted.. right.. and it's ok if i do..? :)

and so, went all the way to Simei to flick one tiny switch.. and everything went back to life.. another thing that happened was that something happened between us.. remember the mini fling i was talking about..? yep, kinda continued the story from 5 years ago.. haha..

Sunday.. woken up by a call early in the morning by my dearly beloved at Simei.. the power trip caused her PC to go haywire abit.. she wondered if i could restore the settings..? yea, coming from a girl who took IT for her Diploma.. ok, maybe it was just a cover for her to get me over there.. haha.. so, went there.. restore her settings.. while she happily surfed using my lappy.. [gerek kan?].. haha..

and then i went to meet LJ.. helped him change his 5-cent coin collection into notes at OCBC.. worth 18bux actually.. but the bank had charged us 1.50bux for every 5bux we changed.. so in the end, we had 12bux.. and we couldn't really exchange it for notes.. we had to bank it into my account.. so 12bux was deposited.. but ATM can draw only 10bux notes.. and so, 10bux was what he got.. oh well, better than the 5-cents sitting at home in a Ferrero Rocher box doing nothing.. heh.. then we went to lepak at AMK Hub..

then went to meet Principessa at Bugis.. walked around aimlessly till she bought Prata Sausage & Bubble Tea.. then we sat at the MRT station steps & chatted about stuff.. then went to accompany her home.. as we were in the train, the secret one called.. and so we alighted at Dover & he picked us up.. hanged at the usual spot under her block.. sorry babe & Izzy, if i stole your time together.. tried to piggyback on someone's network but it was fecking slow.. but better than nothing, i guess.. chatted about life & love, found & lost.. oh well, what else do people talk about eh..? hehe..

then headed home.. Siti M. called when i was on the train.. sweet of her.. still having fun with her Mom there.. glad you're having fun sweetheart..

and today.. i got a nice surprise at work.. we were supposed to celebrate the birthday of one of my colleagues.. today is her actual birthdate.. what i didn't know was that they planned to surprise me too..!! it was really sweet of them.. and i'm 60bux richer.. that's the really nice part.. i actually have money to survive on till i get pay..!! haha..

thanks guyz..!! really appreciate it..!!

a surprisingly good Monday.. :)

2008-12-20T16:04:00.002+08:00

my last entry was on the 25th of September last year.. wow.. a long time has passed & so many things have happened.. what was i doing on 25/9/2007..?

i was attached.. if you have read my blog, it will tell that i've been seeing this Chinese guy.. who happened to be my cousin's best friend.. and it would have been a fasting month.. this between us were still strong at this time.. he was still sweet & attentive.. and my workplace would have been CPG.. i started here around the 6th of August.. my friends would have been pretty much the same people.. yea, wasn't too happy with work around this time.. so, usually seeked for solace from him..

fast forward to now.. the 20th of December, year 2008.. currently, single.. but happy.. put on alot of weight after i broke up.. which was funny.. apparently, being in a relationship was making me stressed & therefore i was pretty much slimmer than what i am now..

having loads of fun at work.. have a decent amount of good friends here.. and i've made another good friend.. i may dare say, a best friend in fact.. surprising.. but yea, that's how life works eh..? surprises you when you least expect it.. we have fun together.. the friendship is good.. i hope it lasts.. and my forever best friend, Siti M. is in Malaysia right now.. mostly living there.. i love you still.. never doubt that..

and we come to the topic of why i'm blogging right now after such a long time..?

hehe.. after 1 year plus @ CPG and 2 company dinners, lady luck has finally decided to sit with me.. i won a laptop at the lucky draw.. the 1st prize.. how lucky am i..? usually never.. so it must be due to the fact that it's my birthday month..

and what's more lucky..? i managed to piggyback on some unsecured network somewhere.. and so, having fun right now..

tata..

will be sure to have more entries from here on..

2007-09-25T18:53:00.000+08:00

so much has happened since i last blogged..

well, i know it's been a long time since i did that.. couldn't find the time nor resources.. my PC at home is whacked, so no blogging there.. and now working at a place without Internet access.. at first i thought it was due to security reasons.. turned out to be budget reasons.. charming eh?

i'm in a constant state of worry now.. due to something that i've done.. it's my own fault.. i won't say it's a fault.. it was something i wanted to, you know.. now i'm facing the consequences..

either that or coincedences are playing nasty tricks on me..

knowing my luck for bad penchants, i won't be surprised at all.. i'd rather have a scare than to have something actually happen.. but it would be nice to be saved from over-wrunged nerves..

such as the ones i'm having now.. but i'm not complaining.. hah..

2007-06-25T11:37:00.000+08:00

my mood swings are the worst on Mondays.. i feel like nothing i do is right..

didn't do nothing last week.. except for that trip to Bert's house.. cuz i'm dead broke.. even my transport money is out of whack.. i really miscalculated this time..

i know i'm not one of your blessed souls but God, help me..

2007-06-19T11:04:00.000+08:00

allo..

gosh, thought i had an easy day today.. my big boss from Malaysia just came down yesterday.. he comes here once a month i think.. will be here for about 4 days.. so far, he's OK.. he and Freddy had to go meet a European customer today.. at the Shangri-La.. cool huh.. i prayed that no disaster would happen when he's gone..

but of course, it had to happen.. something about shutting out containers and releasing them to hauliers.. the logistics world.. still got a lot to learn.. but i was so blur sotong about it.. finally did what they wanted me to do.. and hope it cools down abit.. the shipper i think, is a little pissed with me.. the shipper normally doesn't liaise with the transport agent.. but since i so the blur, he sent an email to the transporter.. hehe.. oh well, i'm trying not to be depressed about it.. normally, i would.. not used to being stupid.. i'm always the fast one.. oh well, just gotta get used to it now.. i guess i'll find out what i did wrong when Freddy comes back.. *sigh*

let's talk about last week huh..

last Monday, didn't do anyting much.. met my mom after work.. on Tuesday, met up with The Gang.. minus Alin and Fah.. they were late.. i had to go off first cuz need to go religious class.. hehe.. had dinner at this Mediterranean / Arabic restauraunt.. i think the name is Le Caire.. not really my kind of food.. ate and talked as usual.. they sent me off at Bugis MRT and they went to meet Alin and Fah.. cuz it's Fatin's bday..

i think i went home straight on Wednesday.. and cooked my chicken with kailan and oyster sauce.. same for Thursday too.. didn't go anywhere..

met mom at work on Friday.. saw Kecoh too.. she's kinda down.. broke up with her boyfriend.. went to see how she was.. me & mom went to Ah Beng for dinner..

Saturday.. hehe.. this was an interesting day.. the guy i blogged about.. the cute chubby chinese guy..? well, i went out with him on Saturday.. with Locoman as the buffer.. haha.. in case we fall into awkward silences.. it was a fun day.. and again, it's nice to have someone take care of me.. it's a nice change from me having to take care of people all the time..

we went to Vivocity.. met up at Harbourfront MRT in the afternoon.. we planned to watch Ocean's Thirteen (which was good!!).. went to buy tickets first for the 1850hrs show.. so we had about 3hrs to do nothing.. haha.. went round & round the shops.. had late lunch at this Thai restaurant (hehe).. he spent about $100 and didn't even blink an eye.. oh well, i could get used to that.. the Tom Yam was nice though.. then we walked around some more.. went to Lonsdale.. he bought a miniature boxing glove keychain.. and he bought one for me too (awwww)..

met up with his friend, Badol (?).. he and his wife.. we watching the same show.. but it turned out that they were at another theater.. had two screenings.. walk and walk and walk.. to pass time.. i was so tired by then..

finally the time came for the movie.. yay!! Locoman finally saw his beloved Transformers trailer.. the movie was good.. classic Ocean's style.. had alot of funny moments..

decided to go play pool at Beach Road after that.. went to the MRT station.. before that, we stopped at Candy Empire.. he asked me if i wanted anything.. then i grabbed these biscuits.. buy 1 get 1 free.. hehe.. but it cost $8.50.. he can still ask me whether enough or not..? hehe.. such a sweetie.. maybe they all are in the beginning huh.. i don't know.. i'm new in this kinda thing..

Locoman went home cuz he was sick.. at that point i was nervous cuz my buffer was gone.. hehe.. but i just stuck it out.. was raining when we reach Lavender.. he held the plastic bag of cookies over my head for me.. awww.. hehe.. even though i had an umbrella in my bag.. haha.. psycho kan aku..

i am usually not good at pool.. and i told him so.. but i don't know why, the balls seems to cooperate with me that night.. and he said i was bluffing when i said i wasn't good.. told him it must be my lucky day with him around.. hehe..

played from 11plus till 1am.. tired by then.. everybody started missing simple shots.. we all went home in the same cab.. he sent me home first..

it was a sweet day..

Sunday.. had to go to jemputan with mom.. *yawn*.. hehe.. but the food was OK.. but it was at Sengkang.. all the way in.. abit ulu for me.. accompanied mom to work.. then i went home.. to cook my Lemak Cili Padi with Leather Jacket (my fav!!)..

yesterday met up with Locoman to go Bert's (ya, that guy) house.. hehe.. actually, i needed to return him a CD that he asked me to hold on Saturday.. forgot to pass it back to him.. he taught me a thing or two about boxing.. it was interesting.. i find boxing kinda boring cuz i never understood the technicalities of it.. now it's a little clearer..

hehe.. now i'm sleepy..

2007-06-11T16:06:00.000+08:00

i stopped my blabberings on last Wednesday.. so i'll continue from there..

met mom at Tampines on Thursday.. mom wanted to rent The Departed DVD again and also to buy her shampoo.. hehe.. ate at Food Culture.. shopped at NTUC.. and then we went home..

Friday.. hmm, interesting day.. mom started her first day at the photocopy service company at NLB.. went to visit her after work.. saw lim and fauzia too.. wackos both of them.. had a dinner "date" with Andrew.. the guy i met online.. he paid for my dinner, which was sweet.. talked and ate.. then he sent me home.. which was sweet too.. hehe..

what did i do on Saturday? returned the DVD for my mom.. went to NTUC to get some more groceries.. then met mom at work.. she wanted to go Changi Village.. to eat Nasi Ayam Penyet from Sri Bistari.. it's nice.. the sambal "power".. haha..

on Sunday, went down to meet my loveable cousin, Locoman.. he was working there part-time over the weekend.. also managed to introduce me to his friend, Herbert.. cute looking chinese guy.. kinda sms-ing each other now.. hehe.. lepak with him and his friends at AMK.. then went to meet my mom again at work.. went home straight after that cuz i was tired and had work the next day..

2007-06-07T10:21:00.000+08:00

it's been awhile since i recorded what i do everyday.. like Virginia Woolf once said, record what you do EVERY day.. it may look like nothing exciting happened.. but when you read it again, you'll find a few things that will sound interesting.. so, here i go..

Thursday was Vesak Day.. rented 3 DVDs on Wednesday night.. to watch over the holiday and weekend.. spent the afternoon at Om Zul's house.. had kenduri for Aiman..

didn't do too much over the weekend.. went out with mom on Saturday.. ate lunch at Banquet PP.. then went to the Cathay at Handy Road to return the DVDs (Letters from Iwo Jima, Syriana & The Hours) i rented from Gramaphone.. we then walked up to Orchard Road.. it's been awhile seen i spent time with her.. ate dinner at Ah Beng's.. we then walked home..

Sunday mom had a wedding invitation from my uncle.. i was a bit pissed at the fact that we had to go.. the thing is, the person who got married had no relation whatsoever with me or my mom.. it was my uncle's wife's niece.. if i got married, i wouldn't expect my uncle's wife's niece to attend.. there's no direct relation at all.. but we went anyways.. to please my mom, who wanted to see her brothers.. how she loves them all.. the food was disappointingly un-tasty though.. it looked nice superficially but it tasted bad.. well, not bad bad.. i couldn't taste the salt.. which made it very bland.. oh well, whatever.. we then went to Gramaphone at PP to rent more DVDs.. rented North Country for myself and Volver for mom.. NC was good.. Charlize Theron is pretty good huh.. had dinner at MickyD's and went home..

start of a new week.. the 3rd week of work for me..

i was still in a limbo.. my moods were swinging badly.. but i had to grit my teeth and go on.. the faces i see on the train every day going to work.. i wonder if they're happy with their jobs.. or are they like me..? working to live.. but when i googled it, surveys always showed that Singaporeans are happy with their jobs.. i guess it's just me then..

went to watch At World's End after work on Monday.. it was a long show as said in the reviews.. but it was kinda serious.. Curse of the Black Pearl was really funny.. Dead Man's Chest was funny but a little serious.. At World's End was the most serious of the three.. but it was good nonetheless.. it was worth the money to see my Jack Sparrow.. hehe..

did nothing much on Tuesday..

Wednesday was interesting though.. got to know this guy through Friendster.. he's 38 and married with kids.. but he seems to be fascinated by my profile.. i thought he was one of those perverts you find online (i still haven't made up my mind yet whether he is one or not).. he wanted to meet me yesterday.. so i obliged.. he drives, so that's a plus.. he picked me up at work.. i was meeting my mom at PP for dinner.. he said he'd drive me there.. and so we talked.. well, mostly he talked.. he's a sales guy, so i'm not surprised.. working for Longman/Pearson's.. it was OK, i guess.. but i still have my doubts about his intentions..

met mom.. who went to collect her pay from SATS.. it didn't work out there.. it was too physically demanding for her.. she bought for me shoes for work.. wanted to buy for me clothes too but i told her to keep them money.. it wasn't much anyways.. then went to Giant to buy groceries.. only intended to buy detergent for my stained blouse but ended up buying more things.. we needed it anyways and dad wasn't contributing..

took a cab home..

2007-06-06T12:59:00.000+08:00

i wonder if i suffer from some kind of mental disorder.. cuz my mood has been swinging like a monkey on ecstasy.. it could be PMS..

i have no idea..

2007-06-05T09:17:00.000+08:00

i have this heavy feeling in my heart.. i don't know how to describe it.. it has something to do with my job.. i asked myself alot of questions about it.. i want to give it time but the thoughts keep bothering me.. i'm not too sure if it's just about the job or i'm going through a really low period now.. cuz if it's a low period, it won't matter what job i hold.. i will still feel down..

i'm telling myself to let go.. countless times..

God help me, please..

2007-06-01T17:08:00.000+08:00

things has been OK.. still more low points than high ones.. but i can't complain.. at least there were good days..

went out with Kecoh on Tuesday.. she walked all the way from Bugis to Tanjong Pagar just to see me.. which was sweet of her.. we then walked to Boat Quay and Clarke Quay.. just sat down at Clarke Quay and had a chat.. and she bought for me Chicken Pie from Polar Puff.. sweet of her again.. talked and walked.. and Lokman called me in the middle of a conversation.. sounding really down.. i hope he's OK.. i miss him though..

met up with Lela on Wednesday.. she made for me French Toast with Tuna filling.. sat a Ricoh Park and talked.. then we walked all the way to Dhoby Ghaut cuz i wanted to go to the Gramophone there.. to rent DVDs.. to watch over the holiday and weekend.. it's at the old Cathay building at Handy Road.. i think it's the largest branch they have..

so i had a sweet 2 days with my friends.. i love them..

though things are not that good on the home front.. but it's nothing new to me..

cheers all..

2007-05-29T16:23:00.000+08:00

been a good day so far.. my boss had to go home early cuz he hurt himself.. fell down while washing the bathroom.. hehe..

so i'm alone in the office now.. hoping i don't screw things up.. gosh, i feel so silly sometimes.. those little mistakes i made.. i call them "rookie" mistakes.. you know, when you start out somewhere.. somehow the mistakes you make are always those minor details.. in a way, it's actually OK cuz you're not actually causing a huge problem.. but when you're new, it makes people questions if you're dumb or something.. forgetting those easy things..

i hope to God this works out..

2007-05-28T12:10:00.000+08:00

where is that old friend gone?
lost in a February song
tell him it won't be long
till he opens his eyes, opens his eyes

where is that simple day?
before colors broke into shades
how did i ever fade
into this life, into this life

and i never want to let you down
forgive me if i slip away
all that i've known, that's lost and found
i promise you i
i'll come back to you one day

morning is waking up
sometimes it's more than just enough
when all that you need to love
is in front of your eyes, is in front of your eyes

and i never want to let you down
forgive me if i slip away
sometimes it's hard to find my ground
cuz i keep on falling
as i try to get away from this
crazy world

2007-05-25T18:04:00.000+08:00

he manages to make me feel really stupid sometimes.. stupid and slow.. it's only my 1st week here.. he can't expect me to learn everything from A-Z in one week.. but like i said before, he's prolly a nice man.. just not patient..

that's why everyone can't be teachers.. if he was a teacher and i was a student, my morale would be very low.. sometimes, it's almost like he's talking down to me..

i'm sure he didn't learn everything in just one week right..?

i hope i can be patient and ride this out.. i'm prolly PMS-ing right now.. but i just feel really frustrated and pissed..

oh well, now i know how the slow learners in school felt.. it's funny huh..? i've always noticed that slow learners in school go on to do really well in life when they're older.. i was OK OK, a fast learner to certain extends.. but i feel really slow now.. even when i was at MacDonald's, i felt so blur..

i'm in that zone now.. feeling really bad about myself..

2007-05-23T13:09:00.000+08:00

it's been a roller coaster ride for me here at my new workplace.. sometimes i feel good, sometimes i feel silly.. i'm the kind of person who wants to feel in control.. coming to this new job with no experience whatsoever, i have no control over it at all..

my mom asked how the job was.. if i was dragging myself to work like i did in SCS.. it's too early to know, but i guess i have more positive moments here.. the job by itself is easy to pick up.. it's the understanding of the person teaching you that is the challenge..

in SCS, there were alot of negative stuff for me.. the only positive thing is that no one tells me how to do my job cuz no one has done it before.. here, i get to learn something new everyday.. and it's just me and my boss.. which protects me from office politics (i don't know if that's a good thing or not).. but i gotta understand the boss.. he's a nice person, really.. but i guess not everyone is born to teach.. i appreciate the fact that he's willing to hire & teach me, i really do.. it's just his teaching skills that is problematic..

his english is typical singlish.. so sometimes, i don't understand what he's trying to say.. and sometimes he misunderstands my questions.. another thing i'm trying to get used to is his tone of voice.. he always says that if i have any doubts, i should ask.. but when i ask, he answers in an impatient tone.. like i'm asking a question that has an obvious answer..

like i said, he really is a nice guy.. i just gotta get used to him.. his style, you know..

i can only pray that it works out here..

2007-05-21T11:53:00.000+08:00

hello, hello, hello...

i'm back..

my first day as a General Clerk at a logistics firm..

this is gonna be interesting..

and i have my own PC and it works fine..

it's gonna be good..i hope..

2007-04-19T23:15:00.000+08:00

is there such a thing called blogger's block..?

i'm having one right now..alot of things happening in my life that i want to say out..
but i can't make head nor tail of it..

i don't know where to start..

all i know is that i need to let it out before i hurt myself..

2007-04-13T16:17:00.000+08:00

a lot of things happening at once..

a lot of loose ends..

i have no idea where to start..

and absolutely no fucking idea where itz gonna end..

2007-01-28T23:04:00.001+08:00

far away, this ship is taking me far away
far away from the memories
of the people who care if i live or die

a starlight, i will be chasing a starlight
until the end of my life
i don't know if it's worth it anymore

hold you in my arms
i just wanted to hold you in my arms

my life, you electrify my life
let's conspire to re-ignite
all the souls that would die just to feel alive

i will never let you go
if you promise not to fade away
never fade away

our hopes & expectations
black holes & revelations
our hopes & expectations
black holes & revelations

hold you in my arms
i just wanted to hold you in my arms

2007-01-03T16:13:00.000+08:00

i would have been married by now..with a kid..but she won't be my biological child..she'll be an adopted child..

cuz the guy i married would be sterile..

he had cancer, you see..all those chemotherapy & radiation treatments had their side effects..falling hair, vomitting..they were nothing..the biggest blow was that it left him sterile..

but it's OK..we talked about it and decided we'd adopt children when the time comes..we decided to adopt 2 boys & 2 girls..but we'd adopt a girl first..girls (or women, as a matter of fact) are better decision makers and would be a great help to me when we adopt more children..

except that it never happened..the plan never got a chance to carry itself out..

cuz he passed away..my dear beloved Francis Evan Williams..

i got over losing him..it was hard..he left in 2002..but i truly, truly only got over him in 2005..after 3 years..but i don't think i'll ever get over the fact that my life had turned upside down forever..and that it will never be set right again..try as i might, i can't find the strength to go on like i used to..

i guess part of it was my fault..cuz i chose to keep it a secret..even though Frank pleaded with me to come out with the truth..well, his family knew all about him & me..i liked his family, we got on well..i got on well with his side of the world..but i just couldn't let him into mine..unfair..? no, i don't think so..i was scared..scared that i'll lose him..

being in his world, it was my solitude..a place where i could be myself..where people loved me for me & not for the things i could do for them..we were cultures apart..and in my young age, i couldn't fathom how to make it work..

maybe if he was still here now, i would be ready..but now that i'm ready, it's too late..

he's gone..his family's gone, they've moved back to the States..his best friend & mine is gone, he's working in the Swiss right now..it's like my entire past has been erased..and if i were to tell my family or other friends about it, they wouldn't understand or believe me..beacuse thay have not seen any of those people that i'm talking about..

i was in their lives for 7 years..now it feels like they were just a figment of my imagination..

it just took one degree of separation and now everything is gone..

yea, for awhile i blamed you Frank..i blamed you for leaving me without a warning and leaving me to fend for myself..i blamed you for turning my life upside down, for leaving me with no purpose to go on..

to let me become nothing..without you Frank, i'm nothing..you were my soulmate..the only one i wanted to spend my life with..

i feel lost..i don't blame you anymore..but all the same, i still feel lost..i feel so tired of fighting the future..

i need you..now that i need you, you're not here..

i really don't know how to carry on..

2006-11-25T10:37:00.000+08:00

i understand clearly now why people commit suicide..i used to think it was stupid, that it was such a waste of life..

but i feel it now..the feeling of utter helplessness..like there's nothing you can do to make things right..and the more you try to fix something, the more broken it gets..and it makes you wonder where to go from then on..

and you arrive to the conclusion that there is one clear destination you can go to..one clear decision you can make..and no one can stop you..

no, no..i'm not going to commit suicide or anything..i'm too much of a coward to do that..

but i can understand it now..

so clearly..

but it is so tempting to give up when i feel so tired..so tired of fighting the future..

2006-11-20T14:51:00.000+08:00

i feel jaded..hell, i was probably born jaded cuz i'm an only child and it forced me to grow up when i wasn't supposed to yet..

i've read an article somewhere about this..about a man questioning the "jaded-ness" of youngsters in sunny Singapore..about how can youngsters feel jaded when they haven't seen or experienced enough yet..

for a moment, i was tempted to agree..

and then i fell into this shithole..gracefully dug by my father..someone who couldn't plan his financials properly..all for one, one for all..

stupid musketeers..

yea, i feel jaded..yea, i'm only 22 & have not seen much of the world yet..

but it's fucking hard to wake up everyday knowing that you owe somebody something..to wake up everyday & thank SP Services that my electricity & water supply is not suspended yet..and then to think about how many meal(s) i'm going to have today..maybe one meal, maybe none..

to painfully tick the days off..until i get my pay..and for that damn cycle to start again..

wondering when will it end..

and so, how can i not feel jaded..when all responsibility is put on me..to have to step into my parents' shoes when it is not my time yet..

it is so god damn tiring that i told myself that i don't want to get married..cuz if it's this hard, i only want to go through it once..

never again..

2006-10-16T15:53:00.000+08:00

right..

it's that time of the year again..the time to plaster on a fake smile, shake everybody's hands and pretend that everything is whoop-dee-do..

at least for me, anyways..those who know me, they know what occasion i'm talking about..i've been an ass about it for years..

fuck it..i'll continue being an ass..i only celebrate it cuz God wanted me to..the rest of the details, it's you humans who exaggerate..the clothes, the food, the house decorations, blah blah blah..such a fucking waste of money to me..i'd rather spend it on a bottle of Bailey's, Absolut Chocolate/Ruby, Stoli Blueberry, Sambucca's, etc... you get what i mean..

what else..?

oh yea..i'm in love with a married woman with 3 kids..wonderful huh..? i'm bisexual..i'm sure of it now..it's just that i lean on the homo side..hah

but i still like the idea of hard abs and hard dicks..

and because of her, i got transfered to another level..love makes us do stupid things, huh..? but she's working at another place now..and i miss her so much..

the pain of being in love with a married woman is just like having a normal heterosexual affair..gotta find places to hide..can only call her when she's alone..the hurried gestures..

it's a fucking pain in the ass of a relationship..but i love her..

i love her so much i can't even begin where to explain..it just happens, you know..

it's not that i went around looking or hunting for a partner..of any gender..i was just working and minding my own business..

and then i had to fall in love..

it's a beautiful thing..even though i know i'm gonna get hurt by it..but i'll savour it while it lasts..

it's been a while since i've been in love..

it's a nice feeling..

like an adrenaline rush..

2006-09-04T17:40:00.000+08:00

rest in peace, Steve Irwin..

God probably needed a good hand with the animals up there..

it's such a shock..you going away like that..

we'll miss you, Mr. Crocodile Hunter..

God Bless..

2006-06-12T21:53:00.000+08:00

ermm..

i notice a pattern here..

my close friends (otherwise known as The Gang) are all having bad days/weeks/months..

my condolences to you..well, not condolences..sorry to hear that you're all having a bad time..

i won't console..i won't advice..if you need anything, my handphone is on 24/7..

though i have one thing to say..

i have had my fair share of cruel times..times where i wonder why God put me on this green Earth when i feel like all i do is to cram up the Earth's ever diminishing space..?

like i don't matter..and i probably never will..

i question why, why, why..?

never finding an answer, of course..

but Gang..one thing is true..what does not kill you will definitely make you stronger..

i know i'm stronger know..more than i ever dreamed of..all thanks to all those bad days..

so, go through the mud with your head held high..and you will conquer..

and never forget..
i love you guyz very much..

and i'll always be here if you need me..

2006-05-16T11:42:00.000+08:00

well..

i don't have anything to write, really..

except that i had fun on Friday with the gang..

i love you guyz so much..

2006-05-05T03:09:00.000+08:00

shit..

been awhile since i had any entry..

blame it on me dad..he busted up the PC again..and it's now running on Windows 98..can you fucking believe it..??!? Windows fucking 98..how "gone" is that..?? arrghh..plus, PLUS..when the PC got busted, guess what happened..????!!!!? all my MP3's were gone..gone..kaput..no chance of recovery whatsoever..all 167 song files..that i have collected over the past 5 years..

do not try to console me..cuz you have no fucking idea how i feel right now..oh..it hurts so bad..it's as bad as losing Frank (he died, by the way, in case you're all wondering)..i'm not even over Frank yet and i now i have to mourn for my MP3's..

as per normal..nothing much happened in my life..as per normal..

well..fell in love with a girl..then figured it wasn't love..maybe infatuation..no feelings for the girl whatsoever now (hah bloody hah..i'm in fucking denial)..still figuring out whether i'm straight or not..but i am interested in guys..lemme rephrase..still figuring out if i'm bisexual or not..

what else..?

finally figured where i stood in this world..after long years of denial..a state in which i will go into again..before falling flat on my face..and accepting the fact..get a temporary high..deny again..fall flat on the face again..

you get what i mean, right..? that whole cycle of accepting & denying..if you don't, i don't blame you..i confuse people every 2 minutes anyways..

wanted to buy MP3 player..then found out the one i wanted wasn't produced anymore..hah..then the PC crashed..then cannot run Windows Media Player 10..which means i cannot rip files..which will then defeat the cause of me buying an MP3 player in the first place..

what else..?

i'm still working at the library..earning meagre pay..

[do not tell me to find another job..why..? don't you know i'm fucking trying already???!??! ..you think i'm torturing myself on purpose here???!? ]

what else..?

the number of friends i have are getting less & less..either i pissed them off (though i have no idea what i did..they just stopped contacting me..period) or i can't meet any of them due to my "wonderful" working hours..

which equates to me having a boring life..eat, sleep, go to work, eat, sleep..

what else..?

my cousin lied to me..even though he didn't have to..he could have just said he was busy..i would have understood..no, he had to lie and said he was tired & going home..& there he was..sitting on a bench, talking on the phone..with a lot of energy..

i saw him..he didn't see me see him..but he saw me too..but i pretended not to see him..

and so he was acting nice to me all day today..went out of his way to have dinner with me..

hah..

what else..?

i think i want to migrate to Dubai..hah bloody hah..where to find the money..?

but ever heard of The Palm..?

o yea..those beautiful creations..

i must live on The Palm..

what else..?

right now, i'm thinking, will i ever find somebody to love me..?

what else..?

2006-03-21T21:57:00.000+08:00

brokeback mountain was beautiful. now.

what do i mean..? cuz for awhile, the film's few sex scenes were overruling my head. even afer the film was finished. even after i already went to the ladies to empty my bladder. even after reaching my workplace (yep, watched it before i went to work..i just couldn't wait).

that's the problem with stereotyping. it has been labeled "that gay cowboy movie". due to that label, i couldn't help scrutinizing every move Jack & Ennis made. everytime Jack looked at Ennis, i couldn't help but think that the two guys on-screen were gay instead of actually being two straight hardworking cowboys looking for honest paying summer work.

and suddenly i had a horrible thought. maybe the film isn't as good as it was made out to be. maybe all it is about is the championing of gay relationships & gay sex. instead of being a beautiful love story. maybe i read too much reviews even before watching it.

stupid label. stupid, stupid label.

and i tried very hard to get rid of that label out of my head. and, yay! i won! haha.

right. now i can start this entry proper.

i can't stop saying how beautiful it was. Heath's performance was perfect. you'd never guess he's an Aussie. you'd think he was a cowboy all his life. the dark, brooding look. never talking much. and even when he talked, it looked like he never opens his mouth. his performance was beautiful. Jake couldn't quite grasp it. there were instances when his cowboy act would slip up and you can see that Hollywood city guy. but the way he carried himself as Jack Twist, the sociable rodeo as written in the book by Anne Proulx was on the mark. it was a good film. from a good director who brought out the best from his actors. and therefore, an astonishingly moving film. Michelle Williams (from Dawson's Creek) and Anne Hathaway (from The Princess Diaries) were good too. it was nice to see them in other roles besides cute teenage girls.

while i was watching, the word gay kept popping up in my mind every now & then. at some points, it made me lose the gist of the film completely. my bad.

so, on my way to work, i started to really think about what made the film so great in the fist place. before it became an overrated "gay movie" labeled by the media. when it appeared in a small column in FiRST magazine. when people all around the world was hyped up by War of the Worlds. but i saw that small column. and i was intrigued by it. especially the actors who were casted. it made me think that it was gonna be a good movie. well, that was last year. i doubt at that time that the Singapore censorship board would even allow it here.

and so i thought.

whenever watching a film, to me, the best element is the human emotion. the way words are said. the words not said but feelings that are clearly etched on the actors' faces. just like when i watched "A History of Violence" and "Green Street Hooligans".

and so Brokeback Mountain is a love story. an impossible love story during that era of time. when people weren't so liberal yet. a love that can get you killed by prejudiced people. let me ask you, in a "normal" context, how would you feel if you loved a guy/girl but your parents are against it? and to continue your love for each other is to hide from the world and meet each other in secret places? try to identify with that. and you get how Ennis & Jack feels. except they are hiding from the whole wide world. which makes it a whole lot tougher.

they didn't plan to fall in love. heck, it wasn't even on their minds in the first place. all they wanted was to look for some money during the summer. but they fell in love. against all rules of nature.

you know what i think?

we are all humans first, before we are male or female. tear our skins & crush our bones & what you have left is the human soul. something that is intagible. something which you cannot genderise. you would then have 2 souls falling in love. wihch doesn't seem too queer now that they have no gender at all. they were just 2 guys caught up with such strong feelings that they can't deny it.

the best scene in the film, the scene that moved me to tears was near at the end. it captured the whole mood of the film.

Jack & Ennis met up at Brokeback. this was about 20 years into their relationship. Jack has a slight paunch and has grown a mustache. Ennis has a longer sideburn and looks weathered. this was to be their last meeting and their last time seeing each other. but they never knew it. they got talking as per normal. they have never been openly affectionate in their words. only their actions. the words "i love you" have never been spoken. the closest it came was when Jack said to Ennis, "I miss you so much sometimes that i can hardly stand". the next scene shows Ennis washing dishes and Jack saying something about coming to Texas with him and living together. and Ennis tells him that he can't. that he has two daughters who need him. that he has to pay child support. and they had a little tiff.

then it shows them spending what is to be their last night together under the bright full moon.

next scene shows them packing up to leave. and Ennis not too subtly telling Jack that he they can only meet in November. instead of August. that Ennis had to work. that Ennis's life isn't as easy as Jack's. Ennis asks Jack to lighten up on him and try to understand his life. and this is where all their pent up frustrations blows up. and a huge argument ensues. this is where it all ends.

Ennis asking Jack if he has a better idea. Jack told Ennis that he did once. Jack tells Ennis that they could leave it all behind and flee to Mexico. Ennis asks Jack if he's been to Mexico before. Ennis tells Jack that he knows what "boys" like Jack go there for. Ennis, who usually doesn't talk much and who isn't openly affectionate shows jealousy. He threatens Jack. Saying that if he ever found out that Jack went to Mexico doing what he thought Jack did, Ennis would kill him. meaning Ennis was jealous.

Jack, who is usually mild mannered, gets very angry at Ennis after what he said. he delivered what i thought was the best line in the film. he told Ennis that he isn't like Ennis. that he has his needs. he told Ennis, "I'm not like you Ennis! i can't survive on a couple of high altitude fucks once every two years!". and he tells Ennis to think about the times he missed Ennis so much he could die. the times when he just crumbles from missing Ennis. to think about that first. before Ennis could think about asking him about Mexico.

at this point Ennis is turned away from the camera. and when it zooms up to him, tears were running & dropping freely from his eyes. something that never happened in the film (except in the beginning but it wasn't raw sadness like this scene). Ennis asks Jack to cut him loose. he asks Jack to let him go and let him be. that because of Jack that he's like this. that he's this way. that if they can't be together, then they shouldn't see each other anymore. and continue with their "normal" lives.

Ennis just completely breaks down. crying & crying non-stop (which got me crying, too). Jack took pity to him and consoles Ennis. Ennis pushes him away a couple of times but Jack just holds on to him. and together they cried for what could have been and what now will not be.

the next scene is a flashback. Jack has a flashback to when they were first working on Brokeback during that summer. Ennis comes from behind to hug him. and sang a song to Jack. it was a really tender moment (which made me cry some more). and Jack watching Ennis leave on his horse to go to tend to the sheeps on the other side.

the present. Jack he is now. watching Ennis leave him in his truck. Ennis going back to Riverton, Wyoming. leaving Jack all by himself. the same scene from 20 years ago.

and the last time they'll ever see each other.

and i'm still crying. haha.

and i'm going to watch it again. oh yes.

and i did.

the second time was sweeter than the first.

i can't wait for the DVD to come out now.

2006-03-05T15:43:00.000+08:00

that stupid bitch is pregnant again..

she ought to go for sex education classes..on family planning and birth control..

enough said..

i don't really care actually..except for the fact that she's a bloody nuisance to me..but then again, her children are my cousins..not their fault anyways..

but you know what..?

i'm not gonna fucking care anymore..

dammit..stupid fucking bitch..

2006-02-23T14:42:00.000+08:00

- - - - - i love thee with the breath - - - - -

smiles, tears, of all my life..

but if God chooses, i shall

- - - - but love thee better after death.. - - - -

i miss you..

2006-02-15T03:03:00.000+08:00

i miss you..

my god, Frank..i thought i was over missing you..

why does the anniversary have to fall so near Valentine's..?

we could have picked another date, you know..to think that your life is unpredictable..

and then you had to die..

and leave me here all alone..

no one knew me like you did..so patient..so kind..it was like God sent me a guardian angel..

but He forgot to mention that you were only "On Loan"..and for only 5 short years..but they were the most wonderful 5 years..

memories are supposed to be sweet..

for me, it's heart-wrenching and soul-gutting..

it's gonna be 4 years since you passed..

but i don't think i'll ever get over you..

i miss you, Frank..

i miss you so much..

2006-02-03T23:34:00.000+08:00

been an OK start to the year..

won a bunch of things from Power98..hopefully you enjoyed the music fest, Ram..

then i got another 2 free tix from Golden Village..dad invested in this firm and he got them as a gift..cool..valid till next year..and for any show, any time, any of the GV theatres..uber cool..haha..

and the show i definitely can't wait for is Brokeback Mountain..

yea..yea..all of you are probably tired of me mentioning that movie title over & over again..ever since last year, i think..

well..it's not my fault that it's so good and that it's being released so late here..

i'll be waiting patiently..with the movie voucher in hand..haha..

and by the way..i hate my auntie-in-law..such a fucking bitch..

2006-01-18T02:38:00.000+08:00

watched the live edition of the Golden Globe Awards (GGA) this morning..

for the first time in my life, i was able to fully appreciate all 3 hours of it..when i was younger, i used to only watch it to see David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson..i never understood the terms "mini-series or motion picture made for TV" or even heard of the films being nominated..i never understood why the mainstream movies were never nominated..i never understood it all, actually..

then the SCV & Internet came along..and opened up a whole new oyster to me..together with my late blooming artistic side of the brain, that is..and a good theatre board that allowed these films to be shown here..and to Golden Village, for being the only film house to show the films here..kudos..!!

for the first time today, i knew what they talking about..i recognized the artists that were nominated & present today..i recognized the titles that were nominated today..

& i even got to see Viggo for a moment..cuz "AHOV" was nominated in the "Best Movie - Drama" category..and i watched it..and i was happy that they were nominated amongst all the other good movies..they didn't win, of course..of which i'm not surprised..no one could go against "BM"..i expected them to win..heck, i expected them to win in every category that they were nominated in..that's how good the reviews are in the US..

and i bet nobody has heard of it here..cuz it was never marketed majorly..obviously, it's due to the gay theme..the Singapore government wouldn't want to send the wrong message to the young generation, would they..? maybe they should stop denying & learn to embrace the truth..

enough on that..i'm not brave enough for politics..

i bet alot of people are gonna watch it now..hehe..i can't wait for it..i know it's gonna be good..

and for the first time again..i'm looking forward to the Oscars..an award show i find very boring last time..i can't wait for the list of nominees to be announced at the end of this month..!!

and i have a few other movies i'm looking forward to after "BM""..

they are "Transamerica", "Syriana" (well..maybe..i'm 50/50 about it) and "Jarhead"..

gonna check their webbys out & tell you more about them..

haha..i just realized something..if i don't watch it, my blog will turn into a movie review blog..

2006-01-18T01:46:00.000+08:00

right..i got plenty to write today (i prefer saying "write" to "type"..makes it all sound so mechanical) ..

like i have mentioned in my previous entry, i think i'm getting hooked on art house movies..i just watched "A History Of Violence" (AHOV) last month..and i was waiting for "Green Street Hooligans" (GSH; or theatres call it Football Hooligans) this month..and i am still waiting for "Brokeback Mountain" (BM) to be released next month..3 movies in 3 consecutive months..that's something i'd never done before..before this, i have only watched in total 5 movies in my entire teenage life..yapz, that's how boring i am..but i never was a movie buff..i'm slow in these kinda things..i bloomed fast sexually but was kinda slow artistically.. :]

anyways, i finally get to catch "GSH" this month..watched it on Monday afternooon..

and it was fan-fucking-tastic..

gosh, i really dunno where to start..no offence to "AHOV" but "GSH" was fucking great..!! (trust me, the f-word is used so much in this movie that it will put all the "ah bengs" & "gangsters" to shame..and it was used with such raw emotions, too)..and it ran so many emotions through me too..

i cringed when Matt couldn't stand up for himself, i cheered when Matt threw his first punch, i cried when Steve got attacked and almost died, i got angry at Bover for stabbing Pete in the back..

before you start to stereotype this film as a bunch of lads who have nothing better to do but get pissed & beat the daylights out of people later, let me explain..

there's more depth to this movie than the title lets on..do not take it face value..it may seem mono in the beginning..normal people dealing with normal issues..they are serious issues but not unheard of..it gets very intense in the final 45 minutes..the next time you're at the ticket box and you don't know what to watch, i personally recommend you to watch this..even the girls (this film was directed by a lady, by the way)..

granted, alot of testoterone flying around..coarse language & bloodied faces..but try to put that all aside & pay attention to the dialogues..and the emotions..the turmoil..the body language..

there is but one theme here..

to stand your ground..stand your ground when people push you around, stand your ground when people butt into your territory, stand your ground and fight for those whom you love..even till death..it may sound silly..getting into fight over nothing..even wasting lives on it..but the message is as clear & as old as time..

stand your ground & do not run from your friends..!!!

for a better idea about what i'm rambling about, click http://www.hooligansthefilm.com/ ..read the personal comment by Lexi Alexander (the director)..it will give you a very clear idea why she made this movie..and it has a very good ending..

---=== i'm forever blowing bubbles...pretty bubbles in the air...they fly so high! they reach the sky! and like my dreams they finally die...force always hiding...i've looked everywhere...i'm forever blowing bubbles...pretty bubbles in the air... united!! (3 claps) united!! (3 claps) united!!! ===---

2006-01-10T03:06:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna update for the sake of updating..for the person who tagged me actually..and the tagger's name is "yati"..if i'm not wrong, that's me..but i didn't tag meself..so, i wonder who that is..hmmm..

nothing exciting happened in my life..i don't know what to blog..eat, sleep, wake up, go to work, do mundane work, skive off work, punch card, go home, watch tv, wait for pay to come, blow off pay in a matter of seconds, and repeat the whole cycle all over again..

yapz..i'm getting pretty depressed..of not having a better job..of not trying harder..of not having more money..of not having a better paying job..of not having fucking bloody anything..

oh well..all these thoughts..they only exist in my head..but in my heart, i don't have the courage to do otherwise..i think too much..i plan too much..but i do not have the strength nor the courage to carry it out..and so my life goes on..as dull as plain jane..

i have no one to blame..save myself..i have never understood why people committed suicide..but now i know..it's oh-so-clear now..but i am a coward..who hides into a shell that is withered and weathered..away from the world..i corrupt myself with endless thoughts that torture my every nerve..i can't stop..for that is my weakness..for if i stop, i will see the world..and the world will hurt me..

i am me..but..

who am i..? who is me..?

where does the difference lie..?

2006-01-10T02:37:00.000+08:00

The dark is generous.

Its first gift is concealment: our true faces lie in the dark beneath our skins, our true hearts remain shadowed deeper still. But the greatest concealment lies not in protecting our secret truths, but in hiding from us the truths of others.

The dark protects us from what we dare not know.

Its second gift is comforting illusion: the ease of gentle dreams in night's embrace, the beauty that imagination brings to what would repel in day's harsh light. But the greatest of its comforts is the illusion that the dark is temporary: that every night brings a new day. Because it is day that is temporary.

Day is the illusion.

Its third gift is the light itself: as days are defined by the nights that divide them, as stars are defined by the infinite black through which they wheel, the dark embraces the light, and brings it forth from the center of its own self.

With each victory of the light, it is the dark that wins.

...

2006-01-10T01:06:00.000+08:00

...

The dark is generous, and it is patient.

It is the dark that seeds cruelty into justice, that drips contempt into compassion, that poisons love with grains of doubt.

The dark can be patient, because the slightest drop of rain will cause those seeds to sprout.

The rain will come, and the seeds will sprout, for the dark is the soil in which they grow, and it is the clouds above them, and it waits behind the star that gives them light.

The dark's patience is infinite.

Eventually, even stars burn out.

...

2006-01-10T00:03:00.000+08:00

...

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins --- but in the heart of its strength lies weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold it back.

Love is more than a candle.

Love can ignite the stars.

2005-12-24T21:58:00.000+08:00

right..back to me old template..was missing my daily reads..

i still like Viggo though..maybe just waxing & waning abit..just not too obsessed..haha..that scene i saw in "A History Of Violence" had put him in my head forever..i don't need to stare at his picture anymore..

a big apology to almost all..cuz i took your links down without telling you..basic internet etiquette i guess..you link me, i link you..hehe..it's all back up now..

i just saw a trailer of the show "Green Street Hooligans" (some still call it "Football Hooligans")..as the title says, it's about football hooligans in the UK..and it stars Elijah Wood..the storyline is pretty good..and it won some art house awards..

and talking about art house movies..i think that is where my taste of movies lie in..

well, maybe..how did i come to this conclusion..?

i have never been a movie buff, you know..like some people who hit the screens every week..never saw the reason in spending $7 when i have SCV..then i went to watch "AHOV"..though the main reason i watched is cuz Viggo was in it..but in the end, i liked the film..and now i'm looking forward to spending my $7-9 to the other 2 films..and the fact i'm 21 is good..in case they are rated R21..hehe..then i saw the review for "Brokeback Mountain"..awesome reviews, really..then i saw the "Green Street Hooligans" trailer..which was also good..

not good in those wholesome, innocent, PG-rated way..but GOOD good..it potrays real life stories..and not some Hollywood ending like all the "blockbuster" shows..

and there was a common trait among those 3 films..they have been involved in art house screenings.."AHOV" was screened at Cannes (one of the most prestigious art houses).."BM" won an award at the International Venice Film Festival.."GSH" awarded at the Malibu Film Festival, the SXSW Jury & Audience Awards and the Tribeca Film Festival..

how awesome is that..??!!?

maybe it's just a coincidence that 3 films in a row that i like are all art house films..

and maybe not..

we'll see in the coming years..

a note to the gang..someone spread-ed her disease to me during the Sentosa outing..we shared the mineral water, right..? now i have a bad sore throat..been 4 days already..grrr..it's so damn itchy, my throat..every time i cough, i feel like my head is gona explode..!!

2005-12-16T22:57:00.000+08:00

hi all..

lemme see...

i was sad that the Weavers didn't win the Amazing Race..as far as i know, they're the best team out there..i don't know what is it about the other teams isolating them..

i watched Kung Fu Hustle yesterday..one of them shows where you are not really sure what the storyline is but you keep watching cuz it's damn hilarious..the only thing i did was to laugh & laugh..

and i think i wana watch Brokeback Mountain when it releases here..it's a..ermm..gay cowboy movie..no, not those kind of movies..it stars Jake Gylenhaal (Day After Tomorrow) & Heath Ledger (The Patriot)..and directed by Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon)..

so, it ought to be good..

not much to say..

no time actually..

in a cybercafe..

and the credit is running up pretty fast..

2005-12-08T01:36:00.000+08:00

haha.. *i can't even begin writing what i want to write before i laugh at the memory* ..

*deep breath* ... *exhale* ...

ok..

i watched my first R21 movie a couple of days ago..well, Monday night actually..

eh, eh..no yellow thoughts..it wasn't those kind of movies where they had a sex scene every 10 minutes..

nope siree..

i specifically wanted to watch this..because..

it starred no other than..

Mr. Viggo Oh-So-Sexy Mortensen himself..

hehehe..

the movie is called "A History Of Violence"..and it got an R21 rating because of the violent scenes..but of course the sex scenes were, *ehem* *ehem*, not bad..pretty arousing stuff actually..

just 2 of those scenes..but good enough for me..cuz i wanted to see Viggo playing another character..i'm beginning to equate Viggo to Aragorn..which is just plain weird..

and of course to see Viggo doing "those" things on screen..which was nice..

*one particular scene keeps replaying in my head*..

well..as i said, there were 2 of those scenes..

one involved him & his on-screen wife to do a 69 on each other.. *yummy* .. the other was rough sex on the stairs..

there were alot of comments on the net about the second scene..particularly cuz it was really rough..

but the one that stayed in my mind was the first one..hehe..

well, anyways..overall, the movie was ok *read..my personal opinion*..

many would disagree & say that it was a VERY good show..i'm not lying..check it out on the web..alot of comments on this show..they even said it could be worthy of an Academy Award nomination next year..

for me, David Cronenberg's (the director *he did "The Fly", "The Dead Zone", etc.*) movies are just too intellectual for me..and violence is not my cup of tea, either..

but it was worth my $7..and the rushing to the show after work..and the blocked nose i was having..

all righty..i'm going to go now..

and sleep..

and fantasize about doing a 69 with Viggo..

ha ha..

2005-12-03T01:35:00.000+08:00

2005-11-27T04:17:00.000+08:00

beginning of a new month..well, almost..

i'm happy anyways..

i can stop pretending & actually live a normal life..

until next year comes, i suppose..

oh well..i'll cross that bridge when i come to it..

nothing exciting..

just me being me..surpressed & all..

o yea..one exception though..

the only exciting thing now is that i have smooth legs..

hahaha..

after all the shaving & god knows what else..i tried the wax..self-help waxing..the one produced by veet..

and guess what..?

it actually works..!!

i'm not hairy anymore..

well, not for another 4 weeks, at least..

how exciting is that..?!!!?!

hah..

2005-11-02T13:45:00.000+08:00

right..right..

i'm still obsessed with Viggo..if that's what you are wondering..

haha.. *hay..alot of other women share the same sentiments as me* ..

and o yea..i can't wait for next week to start..

why..?

cuz then i can live a normal life..without having to plaster fake smiles & shake the hands of people..

for those who know me..yap..you know i don't like Hari Raya..

no disrespect to my religion..i know it's compulsory to celebrate this ONE day after 1 month of fasting..

i take it to be a personal celebration..

and not going out making all kinds of nuisance..and coming to peoples' house & messing them up..

i will describe how i feel about Hari Raya in one word..it is bloody..

>>> P.R.E.T.E.N.T.I.O.U.S <<<

o yes, it is..

going around shaking people's hands & asking for forgiveness..when one minute later you are already talking about the person behind his/her back..

and what about the fact that you wait for one bloody YEAR before you ask for forgiveness..you do something wrong, you aplogize right there & then..

*just do it, yati..what's the big fuss..?* ..you say..?

it's because year after year, i'm saying "forgiveness" things just because it is the norm..and i feel fake..not that i don't want to apologize..i know..i'm no angel..but the whole process of saying things i don't want to say & saying it in front of everyone else is just the last straw for me..it has gotten to the point where i have to think for a week or so about what to say..

but i can never find the right words..

because i don't feel them..and i don't mean them..

why can't it be like how it was supposed to be..?

celebrate for this ONE day..my own, personal celebration..

on hindsight, i preferred it when mom & dad were arguing..

we didn't celebrate Hari Raya last year..

and it was the BEST Hari Raya of my life..

2005-10-15T06:00:00.000+08:00

i'm sick..sick, sick, sick..

no, not flu sick..

but head sick..sick in the head..demented..utterly, hopelessly demented..

what the hell am i babbling about, you ask..?

the person who has been conquering my thoughts for nights & days.. *hint: read my previous entry*..

ok, ok..i'll tell..

viggo mortensen..the viggo mortensen..the man of my dreams..but who is probably too old for me..haha..

so, what happened..?

the thing is, i wanted to know more about the guy..just like any other woman in this planet who has fallen in love with him..haha..browsing through pictures and interviews and what have you's..i was hoping to see a picture of him where he had his top off or something..i mean, in LOTR, he's always wearing that damn thing..can't even imagine what it looks like underneath..haha..and guess what, on the net, most of the pictures had him wearing long-sleeved shirts almost all the time..

so, i thought, oh well..no chance of seeing that body..and then..

lo & behold..!!

i saw this pic..

it was of a naked guy..as in naked naked..but the pic was small & blur..but it looked like him..i got curious and clicked on it.. *god have mercy on me..i know it's the fasting month and all..*

and there it was..as glorious as the rising sun..

a naked pic of viggo mortensen..

as in full frontal..

i didn't expect it at all..

at first, i was like, oh wow..wow..then i went, whoa..

well, it wasn't an arnold schwazenegger body or anything..but it was nice..

and the other little bits too..hehe..

oh yea..it wasn't porn or anything..it was from one of the films he acted in.. "the indian runner"..directed by sean penn..so, i guess that explain everything..

but you know what..

after all that was done..after i shut down the pc & all..

the thing that still made me think about him was his voice.. *well, i won't lie..flashes of the pic would come across my mind once in a while..hehe..*

but the thing that made me smile..

it was the same thing as before..

his voice..

2005-10-12T15:58:00.000+08:00

it's all my mom's fault..

no..it's nothing bad..it's good, actually..

i was a late bloomer in the aspect of being a fan of The Lord Of The Rings..i was never a history/fantasy kind of person..i find it hard to relate to something that i have never seen before..yea yea..call me square minded..i never liked art..

anyways, now i'm hooked to LOTR..and i bought all 3 DVDs..and yapz, they were awesome..

more specifically though..i got hooked to one of the actors..hehe..but he's old enough to be my father..

no, no..not Gandalf..too old..

actually, i didn't really notice him in the movie..even though he's one of the lead roles..he's not the best looking actor around..but a damn good actor..

the thing that captured me was his voice..i thought he only sounded like that in the movie but apparently that's the way he talks..even in interviews..

it was only when i watched the special features DVD that i heard how he spoke..so soft..whispery..velvety almost..

you know who i'm talking about..yes..? no..?

it's Viggo Mortensen aka Aragorn..

yesh..i am now officially infatuated with him..and yes, like i said before, old enough to be my dad..he's 46 or something like that..but he's single now..haha..

he's not that handsome..haven't seen his body..

but his voice..that was the thing that attracted me..

and oh yea..he's not shy about crying..i like guys who are not afraid to show their feelings..but then again, he is an artiste..

he looks adorable when he's going to cry..the way he lifts up his left hand to rub away the one tear that is going to fall..

i know..

i'm going ga-ga over this guy, right..?

haha..it doesn't happen often, you know..

2005-10-11T00:38:00.000+08:00

thanks all..

thanks for proving to me that it WAS all a sham..

as the days go on, i begin to realize what a fucking big fool i was..

but that's that..

and i'll leave it there..

it's getting boring here and..

i'm going to plaster a smile on my face, pretend nothing is wrong and type in happy entries..

huh..

so predictable you are..the lot of you..

2005-10-08T02:38:00.000+08:00

i know i was right all along..

i was just to afraid to admit it..

2005-09-28T15:02:00.000+08:00

wash away the thoughts inside
that keep my mind away from you
no more love and no more pride
and thoughts are all i have to do

remember when it rained
i felt the ground and looked up high and called your name
remember when it rained
in the darkness i remain

tears of hope run down my skin
tears for you that will not dry
they magnify the one within
and let the outside slowly die

remember when it rained
i felt the ground and looked up high and called your name
remember when it rained
in the water i remain

2005-09-19T03:14:00.000+08:00

why do i pretend to be OK all the time..?
why can't i be like the characters in the books where i can tell my friends what a bad day i had and cry my eyes out..?
and to have them all around me & hugging me & telling me it's OK..?
why am i so weird that people don't give a toss about me..?
how come i don't have friends like other people have..?
why don't i know people who appreciate me for what i do and not how i look..?
why do people only come to me when they need me..?
why do i feel like the moment i'm out of people's sight, that they won't even know i ever existed..?
but somehow when they are stuck, i'm the first person that comes to mind..?
but when it comes to having fun, they won't even remember if i existed or not..?
am i born to be someone's life bouy..?
is that the only purpose in life i have..?

why did i have 5 wonderful years with someone who appreciated me & to take him away just like that..?
and leave me with nothing to hold on to..?
will i ever find someone like that again..?

and why am i so different..?

is it because i'm an only child..?
is it because i'm fat..?
is it because i'm ugly..?
or is it the sight of me so appalling yet you can't explain why you just don't like me..?

do you have the answers..?

i know i do..
but i keep denying it..

because to admit it is to make myself depressed..

and i fucking do not want to go down that black hole again..

it's been 3 hard years..and i do not want to go through it again..

all i want is to make people happy..

but why is everybody so hell bent on making me sad..?

even though i'm not one of your most loved souls..

but god, help me, please..

2005-08-31T05:05:00.000+08:00

hay all..time for my long overdue explanation..

actually i wanted to do it earlier but i've been busy going out since last Tuesday blowing whatever money i have..haha..it's not alot really..but just enough to make me happy for awhile..

just a little short while..

i want to be happy while i can..

because i feel that i'm going the same old me in a few days time..

shall stay cheerful at least till i meet the gang on thursday..

oh yea..the miracle happened..

i was called for an interview you see..it was not just any interview..as anybody with a Diploma or higher qualifications should know, getting an interview is a big 1st step..it's a sign that you sent in a good cover letter..

but i was so overjoyed at getting the letter that i did not read the last instruction..it told me to call the secretary by thursday to confirm my attendance..and in my happiness, i only read it on friday..

how "smart" of me, right..?

i wonder who wants to employ a person who couldn't even follow up on a simple instruction..?

i was beating myself up all weekend..

my only chance was to call her on monday morning & hope for the best..i was creating all sorts of explanation in my head in the event if she asked me why i never called..trying to be as professional as possible..

haha..

guess what..?

i didn't think she even blinked (i couldn't see her but i could imagine it just happening during the conversation)..she basically asked if i could make it & i said yes..and she said, OK, see you later..

that's it..less than a minute..

and i was going psycho about it..

hilarious how unexpected a situation can turn out..

another surprise though..

i didn't sleep all night before the day of the interview..thinking that i won't get it anyway..and where was i..?

at Mustafa Centre..till 4am..with my mom..yapz, 4am..you read it right..

never mind that..when i called on monday morning and got the OK, i realised i haven't even prepared for the interview..great..and i slept after i had that thought..

oh yea..it was at SATS..for a trainee officer position..rushed in a cab..only to find out that only i could get in and mom had no place to wait for me..poor her..but she went off to tampines mall after that anyways..

did i mention that it was THE shortest interview ever..?? it wasn't just any old job..but still the shortest..hah..weird..

i came at the stipulated time..only to find out i was number 10 out of 11..and they were only at number 4 when i came in..and number 4 took a long time to finish..

at first i thought, great..how the hell am i going to survive this..?? but then i thought, hay..i could prepare for the interview..came up with all sorts of questions & answers and wrote it down on my little notebook..

this little light & beep came on outside the room and people went in without having their name called..i was wondering how they knew when to go in..so i asked the lady in front of me and she said she had no idea..then a guy said you went by numbers..i see..

the lady was number 8..

it's going to be a long afternoon..

it was too long though..the interviewer (only 1 guy) kept going out to check out how many people were left..and he seemed surprise by the turnout..haha..weird..

when it was my turn, it was already 530pm..i went in..all prepared and everything..

and you know what happened..??

hehe..

he asked me to sit..he talked..and talked..and oh yea, asked me a few VERY simple questions..and talked some more..

he says HR department going home..so got to make it short..

but i like the guy..very blunt and straight on..no beating around the bushes..

i waited for 2.5 bloody hours to go in..

and how long was i in there..??

for all of 5mins..

who ever heard of a 5-minute interview for a professional post..??

i didn't..

till i went through it myself..

expect the unexpected, i guess..

2005-08-20T02:17:00.000+08:00

great..you know..i was planning on a happy entry till about an hour ago..

happy..having a little money in the piggy bank..i guess i was too happy that i didn't do what i was supposed to have done..

but what happened..?

i screwed up royally..

even before i was supposed to screw up..

shows you how obviously a screwed up person i am..

gosh..i really feel like crying now..and banging my head against the wall..and, and..i really don't know..

don't ask..

i'm not telling..

not till next monday at least..

at least..

unless a miracle happens..

oh dear, i fucked up big time..

2005-07-30T09:45:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling fucked up..no, no..not because someone fucked me..just feeling alot-of-bad-words combined into one..haha..pardon my profanities..

i think not having a job..or doing any kind of work, paid or voluntary..is rusting my small brain..cells are depleting every second and i'm not doing enough to replenish it..i mean, i don't even have any idea what to blog about anymore..except for sleeping, waking up, eating and sleeping again..

i have been looking for jobs..had a few interviews even..but never made it..just had an interview at NTU yesterday..it went OK, OK..won't be easy cuz there were a number of applicants..and Norlisa (my former coursemate) was there too..well, compare her to me..she's way better..and a note to The Gang, she's with Bashir (or is it Basheer?)..yep..that guy from BDS..

i haven't been working for so long that i feel so lazy now..i mean, yea, i get pumped up for the interview & all..but after it's over, it feels like a tyre being punctured..the wind going out slowly and the thought of waking up early in the morning to get ready for work just makes me depressed..haha..

and the situation at home just sucks..money always an issue..issue is an understatement..there were days that went by when we only had one meal..i have no problem with no food..just the big picture, you know..a note to The Gang again..sorry i couldn't meet up with you all on Friday..after going to the interview & all, money ran out..i only had enough to go home..tell me all about it sometime soon, Ram..!!

it's dad's last day at work today..yepz, his department shut down..but he will get some money out of it..but just some..barely enough to clear his debts..instead of relaxing with the fact there is going to be some money in the house at last, i think it's going to be another battle in trying not to fall into debt again..

initially, not working after my stint at SCS was a form of rebellion for me..i didn't want to work till he got the money..just wanted to relax..but now, i think i'm going to be one of life's strugglers..i always thought my life would be the one where we could afford basic things..and indulge once in awhile..but apparently, i'm going to be struggling my whole life just to keep my face above the water and trying to breathe..

great..just what i wanted..instead of living the American dream..i'm living the third world country dream..within the confines of my own house..hah..if you could call it a house..

i can't feel anymore..i don't want to feel..cuz if i feel, i will get hurt..numbing myself to everything is the only way to save myself..cuz no one cares, truly..i hear you Gang..that you care and all..but it's not enough..i know where i stand with you all..where i stand at home and among the world..you don't have to try to make me feel better..it's a temporary drug but it won't cure what i feel now..i love you all..for being my friends..for all those birthday celebrations..the presents..thank you..i appreciate it..i'll still meet up with you guyz & all..and have fun..but after all's been done..it will just be me..fighting the future alone..

to those who know me in the past, present and later in the future..if you find me bitchy..know that i i'm not like that by nature..but forces of nature has forced me to be someone else..i have to protect myself cuz no one else will..i would love to be the nicest person in the universe..that was me before..and "me before" has had gotten hurt too many times..

now i'm going to be the most rude, selfish, uncaring, cold, aloof person you ever met..and if i see you fighting for your life on a path beside me..i won't help you..as much as it tears my heart to do so..i will walk away..because helping you will only hurt me later..and i won't take that risk anymore..it's not worth it..it's not worth the scars that i have..

and i'm so sorry..it hurts me to be like this..and to treat you all that way..

i was born into this world alone..and i know i'll die alone..

but what i was never prepared for was living through it alone..

2005-07-22T12:19:00.000+08:00

omigod..!!!

i just found out that XiaXue's blog got hacked..my heartfelt condolences to you, Wendy..i have no idea how to help you but i wish you good luck..

no worries babe..you'll get through this..

and yea..still sexually deprived..one night stand offer still stands..

hehehe..

2005-07-20T11:03:00.000+08:00

YAY...!!!

my dream MP3 is finally produced...

presenting the..

Creative ZEN Nano..

1GB of memory..& what's cooler..it's flash based..!! the biggest capacity flash-based MP3 so far..

and there's the FM tuner..voice recorder...

yippee yay...!!!

and by the way, i think i'm sexually deprived..any guyz up for a one-night stand...?

hahahaha...

2005-07-13T04:47:00.000+08:00

hay all..thanks tya for dropping by..

it's about 4am now..yapz..that's how screwed up my sleeping time is..it's like working night shift..and damn the SCV..no good shows..

i really hope i can go swimming tomorrow..haha..actually, it's more of volunteering to take care of my small cousins so i can get a splosh in the WADING pool..haha..that's how pathetic i am..and the fact that i do not have any proper swimming attire.. a.k.a. swimming suits --- maybe after i get on "The Swan" show..

oh yea..while on the subject of "proper swimming attire"..just what is Proper Swimming Attire..?? i surfed around looking for explicit examples..all the hits i got referred to text explanations..meaning something like this..

--------------------------------
DRESS CODE
Proper swimming attire
--------------------------------

and that's it..no further explanations..like there's an ISO standard for it or something..like they are saying that there is only one and only ONE standard of swimming attire in this ENTIRE universe..

i'm like..HELLO ???!!? ..don't you people ever take into account the culture we come from..??? no matter what our skin color is, we are all still human beings..and human beings have an attachment to water..especially swimming pools..it just makes us happy..!

please do not mistake this as my argument for muslim people..i'm not that stupid..i can see with my own eyes that there are so many races & different cultures out there..we don't even know if a girl/boy was deprived of swimming..just due to the fact that they cannot expose their bodies..and they can come from a culture we had no idea about..and what about FAT people..?? haha..

and when i checked Google Images..there wasn't even a single BLOODY hit for the phrase "proper swimming attire"..that pretty much means nobody in this entire planet bothered to give visual examples of what "proper swimming attire" meant..

and do you know what that means for people like me..??

that this phrase is open for manipulation..

meaning..

i can wear a baju kurung to a swimming pool and happily swim in it..and if they say i'm not wearing "proper swimming attire"..i can say that they never describe in detail what that bloody phrase means..and i do not see any visual examples telling me otherwise..they want to sue me..? fine..i'm pretty sure i'll win in court due to the fact that there is a lack of descriptions and evidence to support whatever it is that they are trying to prove..

think about it..

another topic i like to talk about is MP3 players..

i heard about some people out there who wish to buy one but don't know how to choose..

i'm no expert but here's what i gathered..

those of you who want to use it while playing sports..LISTEN CAREFULLY..it's not about whether it looks sporty or not..IT IS ABOUT THE KIND OF MEMORY IT USES..whether it's a flash memory or a hard drive..a hard drive will skip when you move it..and therefore not recommendable..and it will be spoilt if you keep taking it for your jogs..and so flash memory is the best option..

another thing to look at is the types of file the MP3 is compatible with.. e.g. WMA, MP3, AAM, etc..

here are some articles for you to read through..

http://men.style.com/gear/mp3players/faq
http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Buy-An-MP3-Player&id=34347

and at this link below, scroll to the bottom of the page to read the writer's recommendations of the best MP3's out there..and according to your needs..

http://www.digital-music-guide.com/buying-an-mp3-player.html

2005-07-06T03:27:00.000+08:00

haha..now 3:25am & i'm bored..

my sleeping time is all screwed up now that i'm not working..ha ha ha..

i really wanna go swimming..or "dog-paddling" as you would call it..

cuz i can't swim..

but i just love water so much..

2005-07-03T01:43:00.000+08:00

hay all..i'm still alive..depressed..? surpressed..? so many terms these psychiatrists come up with..

and MickyD's eventually called me up..heh..

i only worked there for 3 days..haha..but not because i didn't like it or anything..i was actually fine with it..and i get a starting pay way bigger than those who are working there..appreciate all the effort they made..i was on a major guilt trip for awhile..so what happened..? mom didn't like it..no, no..not because of the status..but due to the fact that i always got afternoon shifts..why is that a problem..? too long for me to explain..somewhere along the lines of bonding & time to relax & talk..

i hate being jobless..not for the fact that i'm not doing anything (i think that goes without saying)..but for the fact that the longer that i'm jobless, the more lazier i get about looking for jobs..agree..? it's so bloody irritating..

and when i open up newspapers, i see opportunities staring right smack at me but i keep procrastinating..especially the cover letter..actually, THE cover letter has been the reason why i keep procrastinating..hmm..

and ever since i've learnt to conquer my fear of deep water..i have been wanting to go swimming..haha..all due to the swimming while at Pasir Ris chalet with the gang..

i wanna go swimming..

now..

only that it's 1:40am..

dang..

2005-06-10T16:41:00.000+08:00

i'm now in a cybercafe..wondering about my fate..me jobless fate..have just gone for an interview at a hotel..

bah..ha ha..there's a very slim (like anorexically slim) chance of me getting a job there..no matter how pretty my best friend is..no matter how friendly she is..what does she has to do with it, you ask..? she's the one who recommended me..that's why..i bet they are wondering why a cool girl like her has a best friend like me..i wonder too sometimes..

i was thinking..if McDonald's don't even want me..who does..?

i don't even feel like blogging but just to let the world know i'm still alive..

alot of things have happened that are worth blogging but i just don't feel like it..

and i'm sick..yet again..

i feel like saying..

fuck..

2005-05-19T16:56:00.000+08:00

have you noticed how nice everyone is when it's your last day at work..? hmm..

haha..no offence..

just an observance..

take care all..

till i blog again..!!

2005-05-19T14:23:00.000+08:00

woo hoo..my last day here..i'm oh-so-happy..!!

just came back from lunch..at KFC Bedok Interchange..the girls gave me a treat..so sweet of them..thanks Siew Ling, Mei Ling, Connie, Esther & Esther..!! haha..yepz..there are 2 Esthers..

i guess i'll say thanks to anyone & everyone in my life..including random blog readers & all.. *like got people read my blog like that..haha*

anyways..the silver lining i got while working here was that i got to use the PC & Internet as & when i like..it was good while it lasted..gave me a chance to do some research on the "sidelines".. *while not doing work, of course* *hay..it was lunchtime OK..hehe*

and it of course gave me a chance to keep a blog..something which i tried to do some 2 years ago but never managing to keep up..

i really had fun blogging..but i'm in no way saying goodbye or anything..i mean, it's obvious that i won't be posting regularly now..but, hay, i'll try me best..it's been really fun..

ok ok..i know what you're gonna ask.. *where will you be working after this..?* hah..THE golden question..my answer is..

most probably MacDonald's..

i'm not kidding..

absolutely not..

really..you can call me up & ask me..

my HP number is at the top..

2005-05-18T16:44:00.000+08:00

ok then..now that i have let those thoughts out..lemme start on a new thought..or thought(s)..

it's been a long 3 months for me here..the longest 3 months i have ever felt.. *i think it's obvious that i don't like this job* ..haha..but, sure, i welcome any & all kinds of experience..i didn't know IT firms are THAT boring..oh well..

did i mention that i was sad when Romber didn't win the Amazing Race..? oh, i was oh so sad..but like Rob said, things were going too smooth for them..i knew somehow they would cock it up..then again, oh well..

did i tell you that i absolutely love The Gang very much..? *hear that, Gang..?* i'm kinda surprised to be honest..with my anti-social skills, i didn't know i could make it that far with them.. *muacks to all* ..and i can't wait for our chalet..!!! *though i haven't cleared it with my dad* ..that's another topic by itself..ohhh well..

tomorrow night..at 8pm..is my first official workout at California Fitness..wahahaha.. *why am i laughing..?* ..cuz i'm nervous..i'm scared i'll do something stupid..or worse..look stupid in front of those oh-so-fit people..boy oh boy..sometimes i wonder what went through my head when i signed up..hahaha..wish me luck..!!

anyone watch Eye For A Guy 2..? oh gosh, Wolfgang is sooooo darn good looking..!! i think he's quite smooth too..and having pretty much alot in common with Denise, i think he's a HUGE threat to the others..yea..most prolly Wolfgang's the man..

i think it's quite apparent that i'm trying to put in as much thoughts in here as possible before my me-blogging-everyday era ends..

2005-05-18T16:30:00.000+08:00

hay hay..

wow..my second last day here..suddenly so many thoughts in my head..but i just can't put them into sentences..pardon me..

in reference to yesterday's post..i want to make it clear that i have nothing, absolutely nothing, against homosexuals, bisexuals or any kind of sexual preferences for that matter..i only wanted to point out that it is interesting how blogging has evolutionized..it is their right to type & publish anything they want..it is meant to be a diary anyways..

but what i ponder about is the amount of them over at our neighbouring country..in this aspect, i find them a little hypocritical..or alot in some cases..they pride themselves on being the true blue Malays..hot red blood of Malays running through them..and it is usually known that Malays are usually Muslims..

*i beg you to differentiate RACE & RELIGION* *just because someone is a Malay does not mean someone is a Muslim* *just because someone is Muslim doesn't mean that someone is Malay*

and they are forever ridiculing us Singaporeans as being a "not-so-original" Malay..we can't help it..we live in a democratic & inter-racial society..humans are made to adapt..and adapt we did..but let's not get sidetracked here, shall we..?

where was i..? oh yea..

i always knew that Malay guys prided themselves as men..egoistic as hell..superior to women and such..and if you want to know, Malay men have the tendency of bringing in "religious" rules everytime they quarrel with their spouses.. *i am the husband, you have to listen to me* *i am the husband, i'm the king of this house* *i am a man, i can marry 4 wives if i want* ..and so on..and so forth..but outside of the house, they are hypocrites..they condemn the "ultra" sexuals in their home..but actually they are one of them..they stop women from doing anything except cooking, washing & satisfying their sexual needs..they move on with times but women have to stay put in medieval times..

i find it hypocritical..

and there are those very controversial ones..actually pray & fast & do whatever they are supposed to do..but they actually ogled at other men in the house of God..how filthy can they get..?!? i mean, yea sure, go on with your life..but not in the house of God..!!! and being the men that they are, they don't find their acts wrong at all..look at http://farizam.blogdrive.com

somehow when men do things, it can never be wrong..there will always be some kind of "valid" reason to it..fuckers..

again i say..i have nothing against your sexual preferences..

but i do have alot against Malay men..you keep twisting the Islamic rules just to suit your own needs..copy here & paste there..leave the ones you don't want out..who the fuck thought you that..?!!!??

you all are just plain utter rubbish..

indescribable, filthy, pathetic, irritating piece of crap..

2005-05-17T16:55:00.000+08:00

bah humbug..!! who used to say that..? oh yea..it was Scrooge from A Christmas Carol..there were many versions of it..but i read it from a book produced by Disney..so it had Donald Duck as the Scrooge & Mickey Mouse as the hardworking worker..

and why did i say bah humbug..?? cuz i felt like saying something and it was the first thing that came to my mind..haha.. *rolls eyes* *whatever, yati* ..i know..

have you noticed how pornographic blogs are nowadays..?? sure, there are tons of porn blogs out there..they are smart actually..get to type up erotic literatures and put them on a website for free..no need to worry about getting sponsors..all those un-censored pop ups..

and there sure are alot of gays in Malaysia..READ not transvestites..but actual gays..boy oh boy..to get a glimpse..i came across one of those blogs..it's at http://bisikhati.blogspot.com ..let me warn you that if you are the queasy type, don't click..it's pretty graphically written..explicit i might say..haha.. *gross*

seems like the nearer my last day at work is, the longer it feels..dang..

2005-05-16T11:28:00.000+08:00

hay all..

i'm back..hah!! like anyone cares..but what the hell, right..?

i'm better now..but sleepy..and sad..cuz this is my last week at work..my contract is going to end on this Thursday..boo hoo hoo..actually, i'm not sad about the job (really..! i don't even like it..!)..but i'm sad about the fact that i won't be able to blog everyday again..haha..the end of me-blogging-everyday era..

yea..yea..i think i have Internet connection at home..but i think it's going to be quite slow..and until i get a job, my entries are gonna be boring anyways..sleep, wake up, eat, sleep again, wake up again, eat again, sleep..i think you got the idea..

what did i do during the weekend..? well, not much, since i didn't have much moolahs..met Portia on Friday night..went to East Coast to have dinner, chat & bitch around..

Saturday..went to California Fitness for free 14-days use of the gym..but ended up signing up..quite persuasive & smooth they all..well, not really persuasive..i really wanted this for myself for such a long time..L (staff from CF) called me..said her cousin (a guy..still trying to figure out who..) recommended me to get the free pass..i was, like, OK..in my mind, i'm sure it's just for 1 day or something..we went there & sat down with her..took this test..one of those new machines that test your fat mass, weight, muscle, etc. at one go..got it for free..i think it cost about $40..everything in CF will cost something..keeping fit is an expensive thing..and the world talks about keeping fit as if it is the easiest & cheapest thing in the world..let's not get into my oppresive mode, shall we..? turns out that they are letting go of some staff benefits that haven't been used..i think it was quite worth it..what i have to pay is WAY cheaper than the original cost..i'm still a little bit apprehensive..i'll guess i'll have something to say when i see results..i can only hope it'll be a good journey..the personal trainer i've got is a cutie too..hehe..

basically very little moolahs this weekend..felt so lazy on Sunday..but in the end we did go out..went to Seiyu..walked around..bags, shoes..KIDS SECTION..haha..alot of collections..nice to look at..price is OK..but i was tired..haha..but the clothes are just plain adorable..before we went there, we ate at Banquet Raffles Hospital..ughh..as bad as it was last time..i think some people just don't know how good food taste..i went there the first time it opened and i found the food terrible..funnily, all the stalls were bad..even the chicken rice..!! after that never came back again..we tried our luck yesterday..thinking maybe some vendors have been replaced..turns out one of them has..bought fried fish noodles..bleargh..!! it was an insult to my tastebuds..never have i tasted such tasteless food..even my aunt (who is a baaad cook) cooks way better than this..i couldn't taste anything..the soup taste like tap water..where's the ingredients..?!? or salt at least..??? we have banned Banquet Raffles Hospital for good..i will never step in there again if i can help it..it is so shocking to have such a branch when Banquet is known to have tasty food..and for those who said that it is nice, i really don't get you..obviously, you haven't tasted really good food yet..those made with passion and patience..

the bloody world..where everyone follows the norm..why can't everybody just stand up for yourself..? oh..i know..you're afraid of being by yourself..

oh fuck it..i know what you're saying..*i am an individual..i make my own decisions..not based on someone else's influence*.. HAH..!! BLOODY HAH!!

you hypocrite..all of you..

no need to look so far..

99% of you couldn't even go to lunch alone..let alone standing up for yourself & being on your own..

who are you trying to kid..?!!?

certainly not me..

2005-05-12T16:29:00.000+08:00

2005-05-10T17:53:00.000+08:00

i try to find the meaning of life
maybe it is to help someone
i went out, searching for people to help
i found a soul in need of help
made sure i was there for the person
no matter what happens
but i never saw it coming
i got hit from behind
taking my legs out from under me
i fell, hard
i got up, picked up the pieces
and find someone else to help
eventually i did
helped the person as i would help anyone else
again, i never saw it coming
i got hit from behind again
i fall again, got up again and picked up the pieces again
but still i found souls to help
and they hit me from behind again and again
every soul that i helped
were the ones who betrayed me
i helped till i couldn't help anymore
i could then see myself standing in the middle
surrounded by a circle of people
the same people that i helped before
why am i alone in the middle..?
i stepped towards them, to join them
but the circle tightened, not letting me in
for no matter what i do
for no matter how hard i try
i'll always be stuck on the outside
only then do i realize
that i will never belong
not in my house
not within my friends
not anywhere
alone, then, forever i'll be

2005-05-10T14:06:00.000+08:00

i want to cry my eyes out but i can't..cuz i'm in the office..even as i'm writing this, the tears threaten to fall down my cheeks..

someone said something that hurt me..and that someone is not just any person..a person i trusted..a person i lent me ears to whenever she needed to vent..and i thought after all this while, she trusted me..trusted me to make her happy..

i never saw it coming..it was a huge slap to my face..

but i was only trying to make you happy..and trying to support all of us at the same time..

how come you had to say such things..? and you were never fast in taking it back..that led me to believe that you meant what you said..even when you tried to appease me, i thought it was a mild attempt..

and why did you have to compare me with that man..? of all people, for Heaven's sake..

i know where i stand now..i never stood at where i thought it was..it was all a sham..

thanks alot..

at the only place where i seeked for solace..was the place where i was betrayed..

2005-05-10T11:21:00.000+08:00

hay all..rainy day huh..well, raining in the east..don't know about your side, though..hehe..how are you doing..? been away for the past 3 days..so that explains the gap in the entries..

i went to KL over the weekend..main reason was to attend my second cousin's wedding..but of course, when you are in KL, you can't help but do abit more..right..?? haha..here's the journey of me, mom, uncle, aunt & cousin..

i left Singapore for KL on Friday night (May 6th) by night train..the Senandung Malam they call it..yepz..really Senandung..mom said Senandung means slow..haha..no surprise..it WAS slow..but hey..all in a day's fun..it was a cool feeling..to acutally lie down on the bunk & feel the train moving below you..if only i could travel that way to work..haha..can squeeze in more sleeping time..the immigration process is inverted when you go by train..the Malaysian customs is at the Singapore railway station itself (still in Tanjong Pagar..i though moved to Bukit Timah..hehe)..then we alighted at Johor for Singapore customs to check our passports..then we boarded the train for good..had a short nap..mom didn't sleep at all..woke up at 2am..felt hungry..me & mom decided to go to the coffeehouse area to eat..so fun to eat while the train is moving.. but before we got there, we had to cross these thingies..you know, trains are divided into carriages right..? then there is this joining in the middle between two carriages..it was like so scary at first..the minute mom opened the door, a whoosh of air came in & the sound of the train in the tracks became louder..and the metal thingie we had to step on to cross to other side was so rusty..i was so scared that it could fall of any moment under my weight..we crossed over 5 or 6 cabins..whew..finally reached the coffeehouse..mom had mee goreng..i had nasi goreng..and we split a ramly burger between us..hehe..then made our way back to our bunks..it was about 430am by that time..i then took another short nap..woke up around 630am..by that time we were entering Selangor..it took about another hour before we actually reached KL Sentral itself..

it was a newly built station..so everything was nice & clean..we then went to their cafeteria to have our breakfast..not all stalls were open though..mom bought roti prata with egg & onions, me goreng & bee hoon goreng for us to share..yummy..!! aunt & uncle bought roti prata & nasi lemak..yummy too..we then proceeded to buy train tickets to go to Mid Valley (MV)..this is the place where we'll be staying & shopping & eating..we were abit blur blur about the trains as there are multiple lines running from KL Sentral..there's the PutraLine, Starline, KTM Komuter & what have you's..we needed the Komuter though..and for Komuter alone, they have their sub-lines..so, there's like trains above, below and everywhere..we kinda asked the station master a stupid question and he looked as us funnily ("stupid Singaporeans", he must have thought)..haha..no harm done..can never learn if never make mistake..it was only a station away..reached MV in about 5 minutes..made our way out of the station..only to find out that the escalator that links the station to the mall was stalled..grrr..had to cross the street..which i personally didn't like cuz the vehicles were fast & i'd seen far too many accidents in my life..had a brief tiff with mom about that..and i think she misintrepreted what i was trying to say..people always do..when all i was trying to do was to protect them..anyways, made our way into the mall..which wasn't open yet since it was only 9am..walked through the mall to the hotel..Cititel Hotel..which i proudly had made a reservation on online..hehe..so proud of myself..went to the check-in counter..told her i had a reservation and everything was smooth sailing from then onwards..but i had to wait awhile for my room as it was not made-up yet..took about an hour or so..but it was OK..it's a 3-Star hotel..so, can't expect much from it..the room was abit small though..had a short nap..since we didn't have enough sleep on the train..couldn't sleep long as we had to attend the wedding today..and it ends quite early..around 4pm..we went after Zuhur prayers..initially we wanted to go to the mall to get some food but we were running late so we decided to head straight for the wedding..tried to find a cab but couldn't as it was jammed up outside..it always jams up at MV..decided to take the hotel car..but it was costly though..about 60RM..and it took about an hour as the guy took another route..he said the straightforward route was going to be jammed up as there was a conference at PWTC..this causes certain main roads to be closed..i was sitting in the middle and i was quite cramped up..for an hour..wow wee..haha..

finally reached out destination..taman sri andalas in Klang..the tent was made up at the car passageway..it was quite small..surprising to me as my aunts here are abit glamorous..hehe..the moment we reached there, mom was a superstar..haha..the thing is that all of them used to be very close in their younger days..as in a very tight bunch..even though they were cousins, they acted more like siblings..even closer than their own siblings..everybody was hugging mom..she couldn't even eat in peace..haha..then there's uncle Alip..mom says he's very "manja" when they were small..but he was protective of mom..when i was smaller, we used to visit them too but i couldn't see the tightness..now that i'm older, i could see how close they used to be..and still are..one of my aunts talked about some problems to mom..quite a personal one..but they talked as if they saw each other everyday & not once a year..that's how close they are..there will never be a gap even though they haven't seen each other in such a long time..

the food catered was nice..even though it was "kampung" food, it was tasty..there was pineapple gravy..chicken marinated with curry leaves, tumeric, salt..sambal sotong..some "ulam" (raw vegetables)..yummy..!! but we eat abit only..we came quite late and the caterer couldn't wait to clean up..and mom kept getting interrupted by her cousins..hehe..had a little chit chat while eating..then we went in as they were having a phototaking session..i was the designated camerawoman for this trip..but we recorded this procession especially for granma..cuz she couldn't go so we had to bring it to her..so "kecoh"..the mother of the bride la..so "garang" with the husband..it was really fun though..it was my first time being a camerawoman so it was not stable..i moved too fast..but anyways, it was better than no memories at all..after phototaking, we stayed around to chat for awhile..my cousin then sent us to the Klang train station in her car..

we needed to go to Puduraya to buy bus tickets..we were going home on Sunday..if you thought that their train is like MRT..you thought wrong..it was pret-ty slow..very slow in fact..it took us about an hour plus to reach the interchange itself..we then had to go up and down some steps to change to another line..from KTM Komuter to StarLine..not so efficient transfer..mom was getting tired of the train rides & i don't think she wants to ride it ever again..haha..i reminded her that we were all tired from yesterday's journey..that's why everything feels like an extra effort today..we finally made it to Puduraya though..so many kinds of buses..we took the 730pm bus to Singapore..it was a 24-seat coach..quite comfy as the seats are big..we then decided to rush back to MV to have or dinner..it was 830pm then..took a taxi there as none of us could "tahan" another ride on the train..cost us about 15RM..which i think is quite expensive..but anyways, we got there just in time to eat..i got to order my dish just before they closed..we were so dead tired by then..everyone just wanted to head back to our room & sleep..aunt & uncle went up first as aunt not feeling so good..mom wanted to sit at Coffee Bean to have some cake..bought a Tiramisu & Royal Chocolate..the Royal Chocolate was so yummy..stayed for awhile then we headed up to our room..

we were so tired that we slept within an hour..it was so nice to sleep in an air-conned room and with a nice & heavy comforter around me..if only it was this blissful at home..haha..dream on yati..and so we slept..waking up around 6am plus..did my morning prayer, took a shower & got ready for breakfast..!! as you all know, hotels usually give complimentary breakfasts to its guests..and it is a very exciting ocassion as we'll get to find out what kinds of food they serve..at Cititel Hotel, the buffet is quite good..not much choice but tasty cooking..there was nasi lemak, chicken franks, salami, scrambled eggs, baked tomato, porridge, pastries, bread, cornflakes, freshly cooked omelette and also mee hoon soup..yum yum yummy yummy yum yum..standard drinks..coffee, tea, juices..had so much fun..thought of going to the mall after breakfast but it seemed that it wasn't open yet..so we headed back up again..had a little nap..but woke up abit late..so, rushed to pack up our stuff..thankfully not much stuff so we weren't too delayed..but i forgot something in the minibar..my Royal Chocolate cake that i bought in Coffee Bean the night before..!!!!! boo hoo hoo..oh well..what to do..we checked out then left our baggage at the hotel bell service..so we were free to shop around..yay..!! it was BIIIIIGGG...the mall that is..we never finished going around..went to the pet shop..Pets Wonderland..such cuties the kitties..mom was playing with one playful Abyssinian..pity the cat..cooped up inside such a small space..and you know what happened next..? a staff came up and told us not to "disturb" the cat.."disturb"..???!!? what the feck are you saying..?!!!?!? idiots..don't know why they hire this kind of people for the job..can't he see that the cat is stressed..? that the cat wants to play..? since you got no time, why don't you let us entertain the cat for awhile..? idiot..blardey idiot..i bet he doesn't have a pet..pets need attention too, you know..just like looking after kids..maybe mom & i should put him in a cage and bar him from playing with anyone..see how he feels about that..idiot..

mom & i just went around window shopping..not really buying anything since we didn't have enough..checked out Jusco (they got nice kids' clothes for affordable prices), Ms Read, Crabtree & Evelyn and some other shops..we also ate at the huge Food Junction..sadly though, the tasty Dim Sum stall was no longer there..mom first bought yong tau foo as was still "asleep" and did not know what to buy..haha..after she bought it then she saw the western stall..which has a huge selection of dishes..and they displayed the samples and it looks so yummy..!! mom ordered the black pepper chicken..it was a huge portion so we shared it..it was so yummy-licious..

time to go home..we left MV at about 6pm since we had to be at the bus station before 730pm..to get the bus number..so, we collected our baggage from the bell service..and took a metered cab to Puduraya..and it only costs about 6RM..way cheaper than 15RM..always go for metered cabs..it was so stuffy over there..bought two bottles of drinks..and alot of Dunkin' Donuts..!! (wonder why it's not in Singapore..?) bought 12 (buy 9 get 3 free) of it..gonna enjoy it in the bus..lo & behold, we got delayed..first due to the "star karat"..he only came in at 8pm..then the bus couldn't go out cuz another bus was blocking it and the driver was nowhere to be found..haha..we got stuck for another half an hour..we only got moving at 830pm..an hour later than it should have been..the driver very noisy..empty barrel makes the most noise i guess..they were making so much noise about being blocked..actually paid more attention on not being able to do it than to actually try to do it..then one guy came along & gave instructions..he must have been a pretty good driver himself..cuz he gave perfect directions and within 10mins got the bus out..hooray..!! kudos to you..i never got to see your face..

it was going to take about 5 hours to reach Singapore..the bus was going quite fast..it was still early so i didn't feel like sleeping like everyone else..just looked out the window & enjoyed the journey..was about 2-3 hours into the journey that my eyes felt droopy..by that time, mom was already awake from her nap..i was feeling hungry and also pee-ey..haha..my bladder was full..i kept hoping they would stop somewhere soon..had a short nap..they stopped at Yong Peng..peed and then went to buy some food..it was 30min break only..so we didn't think we have enough time to sit & eat..so, we tar-powed..bought mee goreng, mee hoon goreng, ayam masak merah and some finger food..boarded the bus & continued our journey..munching & munching in the bus..hehe..

the bus went by the Woodlands and not the 2nd Link..never mind..we got there in an hour..and finally, sweet sweet Singapore..trust me..i'm a sucker for Singapore..i know..pathetic people, pathetic place..but it is home..will never feel comfortable elsewhere..the bus dropped us at Beach Road..apparently taxis are in abundance down there..haha..got a cab and went home.. reached home at about 2am plus..

very very tired..thank God i took leave on Monday..

2005-05-05T16:22:00.000+08:00

was reading through tya's blog and realized how much i missed working at NLB..

READ ----- I DO NOT MISS THE "BAD" PEOPLE OR POLITICS..

i just miss doing the work that i love and also the good friends that i made along the way..

i miss you Siti, Nurul, Ayu, Portia, Tya, Liana, Syira, Ozie, Ila, Hafiz, Nazrul, Samuel (2004-2005)..

i also miss my sweet baby Lela, Farouq, Hafiz, Ihsan, Maryam, Hidayat, Jeya, Sherwin and tons more that i met while working in NRL (2000-2002)..

your souls i will forever remember..for you made me laugh & cry..made my working life there somewhere to look back to..i miss you all..

Lela ----- My sweet baby. My best friend. My lesbian lover. My everything. You don't know how much i missed you. You don't know how much i love you. All those times in NRL. All those bitching & slaving. Remember Nashiba? Ughh. Lazy bitch. And you remembered that kiss. I'm surprised you did. You were quite drunk if i'm not wrong. Or having a bad hangover. I can still taste it though. But enough about that. You broke my heart hun. Broke it when you ran off with Farouq and left me to fend for myself. For i liked him. Loved him maybe. But he loved you more. I had to do what is best for both of us. Even though doing so felt like my heart was slashed by a newly sharpened knife. Again & again. My heart ached for him. Knowing he'll never be mine. Those wounds are still fresh. Never to heal. But i love you still.

Farouq ----- My love. Though I never knew you. Never held you. Never kissed you. But you were the first guy to break my heart. Funny huh. That fateful Valentine's Day 2001. Locker area. The image of you & Lela together will be burned in my mind forever. I was tempted. I was tempted to jump in & join the both of you. I longed to hold you. It aches so much that i don't care if i had to share you. But i didn't. You broke my heart. But i still think of you. But i still miss you. Even if you don't care.

Siti ----- The naive but curious soul. Sweet and caring. When she's not having problems that is. Stresses out too easily. I have to calm her down then. Miss those tickling sessions. hehe. Loves all & every kind of food (provided it's Halal.. :] ). Quite gullible to certain extents. A girl who has difficulties transitioning into the modern world. Finds hugs embarassing. Won't blame her though. Needs to spend more time away from the Malay community. It's warping her mind. But i still like her as who she is. Miss you tons.

Nurul ----- Labelled her as bitch the first time i met her. HaHaHa. No offence. You barely looked my way for more than 5 seconds when Siti introduced me to you. But hay, I was the newbie. Had that coming i guess. But still one of those ex-colleagues that i still keep in touch with. You were more or less the same channel as me. Liked our conversations when we had the chance to chat. Good impersonator. Impersonated my aunt perfectly. HaHaHa. Still remember that one. Still laughing. Liked your spirit. Your sense of humour. Liked everything about you. Let's meet up soon and gossip about those aunties huh. Miss you tons.

Ayu ----- A-yu sleeping? A-yu sleeping? HaHaHa. Don't blame me. You told us the joke yourself. Now can't stop cracking over it. Impatient. Fickle minded. Always acting tough & rough. HaHa. No harm done. We know the true you. She's trying to be "Garang" la. But never succeeded. We'll always be trying to hide our laughs. Happily engaged to her fiance. Acts like it's nothing at all. Just another day. HaHaHa. Wacky days at Orchard library. Cutting, tagging, verifying, pasting, shelving. Those were the days. But those were the times. Miss you loads.

Portia ----- Another naive soul. But loved conversing with you. Still loving it. Great converser. Don't know about me though. :] Loved your enthusiasm. Loved listening to your take on life. You were not what people said you were. Don't listen to them. They judge you on the surface only. This girl never take her lunches. Always tar-pow. Saving money for her shopping, i guess. Do whatever you think is right, my dear friend. Do not be pulled in by the norm. Miss you.

Tya ----- Tya. Tya. Tya. The sweet, demured girl. Quite different from your pals Pat & Shaf. When i heard you were their friend, i expected another one just like them. HaHaHa. Was mistaken. You are sweet. And i just realized you were eyeing Hafiz the Magician. HeHe. Well, everyone was drooling over him. Including me. Pity Nazrul. Hah. Miss you loads.

Liana ----- Hoy..!! HaHa. That was a trademark. Think you should patent it also. Hoy! in the morning, Hoy! in the night. Miss your bubbly-ness. Miss your enthusiasm. Miss the times when we OT-ied and had fun chasing after the target. That dang target. Ha. Loves telling ghost stories. And loves to get frightened by her own stories. HaHa. A girl missing her newly NS'd boyfriend. Hang in there girl. Loves her fried fish noodles. Had them in Orchard. Had them in Toa Payoh. Miss you tons.

Syira ----- One loud one. Must always have the last word. I was like you once. I guess trying to hide something. Just be yourself, girl. We like you for who you are. Loves cats, like me. Potential in-charge. Though may not seem like it in the beginnning. I have faith in you. How's life repairing book jackets & surrounded by aunties at the same time? HaHaHa. Miss the bitching sessions. Miss you.

Ozie ----- The gothic soul. Black is permanent. Ha. Not surprised. Of mixed heritage. Hence, the beautiful face. Has a mind of her own. Not afraid to say what she thinks. Has a huge mellow side to her. Which comes as highly surprising. But we love you Oz. And she loves spaghetti. Miss you loads.

Ila ----- Ozie's friend (close?). A goth-punk soul. Insists it does not represent her. Instead just a kind of music that she likes. Has problems with authority. HeHe. Apparent when i first transfered there. Hated me. All of them. HeHe. But managed to get through to them. Silly actually. Managed to gain their trust through a piece of chicken wing. Hah. But it was a nice piece of chicken wing. From Cafe Galilee. Yum. Miss the chicken. Miss you too.

Hafiz ----- The magician. The good-looking magician. Whom everybody had a crush on. Even though he was way younger than we are. HaHaHa. Funny what lust does to your brains huh. But happily attached. To his secondary school sweetheart. Good luck. Actually wanted to take engineering in poly. ???. Brainwashed him. Persuaded him to take tourism & hospitality. Put his good looks to use. Guess what? He did it. He took tourism. Yay..!! Good on ya..!! But i miss ya..and those cute dimples. I have yet to squeeze your cheeks. HeHe.

Nazrul ----- Have you cut your hair yet? You better have. HeHe. Before Hafiz came in, you were the sunshine for the girls. Not for me, OK. You were like the "Last Guy Alive on Earth". HaHaHa. The girls were actually angry at me for making you do work. They said, "Pity him. He tired". WaHaHaHa. Like you were a weak person like that. As i said. Funny what lust does to our brains. HaHaHa. All that aside. Miss ruffling your hair. Miss you.

Samuel ----- Sammy. The nice guy. Feeling left out. You were the only guy. You were the only Chinese. To hear us Malay talking would be like listening to ducks quacking. HaHaHa. Not understanding a word we're saying. Even when were dissing you. HaHa. But hay, it's all in good fun. You were dissing us too, right? Just that we couldn't understand you. Heh. But all in the name of good fun. Where have you been Sammy? Miss the times when you would give me free food. He's a generous man. Miss you loads.

2005-05-05T10:46:00.000+08:00

>>>>> Farewell Mr. Wee Kim Wee. May God bless your kind soul <<<<<

2005-05-04T17:11:00.000+08:00

tell me your name, i want to know
the way you look & where you go
i need to see your face
i need to understand
why you & i came to an end

tell me again, i want to hear
who keeps my faith in all these years
who lays with you at night while i'm here all alone
remembering when i was your own

i let you go
i let you fly
why do i keep on asking why
i let you go
now that i found
a way to keep somehow
more than a promised vow

tell me the words you never said
show me the tears you never shed
give me the touch
the one you promised to be mine
or has it vanished for all time

i let you go
i let you fly
why do i keep on asking why
i let you go
now that i found
a way to keep somehow
more than a promised vow

i close my eyes
and dream of you & i
and then i realized
there's more to love than only happiness & joys
i close my eyes

i'd give away my soul to hold you once again
and never let those moments end
i let you go
i let you fly
now that i know
i'm asking why
i let you go
now that i found
a way to keep somehow
more than a
promised vow

kinda how i feel now..kinda missing an old friend..oh well..

2005-05-04T14:59:00.000+08:00

afternoon..had your lunch..? i haven't..and i'm hungry..haha

how come..? what did i do during lunch..? i had to sacrifice it to get my FYP CD from my ex-FYP Supervisor..sounds confusing..? ok then..let me explain..

FYP stands for Final Year Project..it was a MAJOR project during my last year in polytechnic..my team was tasked to create an e-Learning programme..after that we burned it into a CD for submission..*didn't i have any backup copies..?* i had one but then my Zip disk went to into permanent retreat..my other members lost their copies one way or the other..since this was one of the major projects i did in my life, i decided that i had to have a copy of it..so, today during lunchtime, i went to my back to the polytechnic to meet my ex-supervisor/lecturer to get the CD..

looking back, it was the most fun-nest project for me..at first i was really worried..i was the only girl..the other 3 were boys..& it so happened that they unanimously voted me to be the leader..smart of them..as time went by, the guyz were adorable & nice..even had a crush on one of them..hahaha..blame it on too much time spent together in confined spaces (eh, eh..doing project ar..NOT what you're thinking about OK)..haha..it was fun..all the stress..all the lost information..all the crap you get when you sit one whole course (74 students) into one cute little tiny computer lab..i was lucky to have an IT genius (more on the web designing part), a guy with good connections and another guy with good connections..haha..i can't help saying fun, fun, fun again & again..others are actually cursing the members that they are with..haha..

it's a given..in every project group, there will be one black sheep..but it's up to you whether you want this black sheep take away your precious time or actually drive your attention away from it & focus your energies on the resources that are already there (READ your other team members)..

wow..i only wanted to say what i did for lunch..look how sidetracked i got..hehe

2005-05-03T12:11:00.000+08:00

lemme see..lemme see..ermm..finally got me well-deserved 3-day weekend..!!! *if i do say so myself..haha*

but wasted Friday night & Saturday morning..why..? cuz pay only came in after lunch on Saturday..sad huh..to think that they would be more empathatic with the fact that it was a Labour Day weekend..

where did i go on Saturday..? mom & me went to Banquet Clifford Centre to eat..kinda like a brunch..then off to Toa Payoh to go to OCBC bank at HDB Hub..i finally applied for NTUC-OCBC Visa debit card..yay..!! it'll be sooo cool to get the card..i hope the person in the big chair approves my application..after that, we went Orchard..initially i wanted to get some books at Borders..but didn't in the end when i remembered that i got to put aside some money to buy a thumb drive..went to Hello! to ask some questions..then Takashimaya to survey the price of wallets..sadly, WickedAura didn't perform that day..oh well..but i did go to Borders..just that i didn't buy anything..had dinner at Mak's Place..as per normal..chicken chop with mushroom sauce for me & punggol seafood mee goreng for mom..but we ended up trading dishes..hehe..and of course, banana split for dessert..!!

as per normal..woke up late on Sunday..haha..took a cab to Parkway Parade..had some sort of lunch at KFC..tried the curry chicken..not so nice..to me la..we also bought some pastry from Polar Puff..yummy..!! then took 197 to IKEA..just to past some time..was going to meet me aunt later..going to go to Ayer Rajah Hawker Centre for dinner..off we went in the lorry..ate BBQ fish & squid, omelette & kailan..then picked up aunt, uncle & cousins from Ritz Carlton (sounds posh huh..yea..aunt's long lost sister had her wedding there..there's another story behind this..but i'll elaborate later)..then went to Mustafa Centre (not my favourite place at all..but since uncle wanted to go...so)..where i had a minor stomach upset..could be due from the seafood at Ayer Rajah..it was already 1am by the time we left there..we couldn't decide where to go & have a drink..it was either Simpang Bedok, Bedok Corner or East Coast..the thing was we weren't sure if any of the places were still open at that time of the night..we agreed on checking out East Coast first..if not open, we'll go Bedok..yep, it was closed liao..but uncle suggested a place at Tampines..so, went there..uncle sat in front to prevent any unwanted detours..haha..my new uncle comes from the West area so he tends to get lost in the East..and my aunt isn't a big help either..to think that she sits in front..all she does is sit..not giving any directions at all..says she doesn't know..farny la she..she practically grew up going out all the time..and she still doesn't know the way..oh well..people..they can be farny sometimes..had "supper" at Tampines..i had prata & mom had mee goreng..then, we headed home..it was 4am by the time we reached Eunos..

yay yay..Monday public holiday..but spent most of it sleeping..woke up around 1pm..hehe..(only slept at 5am mah)..it was D's birthday today (2nd May)..sent her a wish in the morning..only got a reply at night..how typical of her..haha..lunched at Sakura (Capitol, City Hall)..went to Sim Lim Square to look for my thumb drive..got a 256MB for 63bux..(not expensive right..? i'm still new to all these gadgets)..went to IKEA again..hehe..today was a bus trip day..going round & round our small country..realized we haven't bought groceries..rushed to Giant Parkway..got hungry..don't know where to eat..finally decided to go East Coast Lagoon..hehe..favorite la that place..but food wasn't nice today..hmm..maybe cuz it's a Monday..

that's about how i spent my 3-day weekend..all in all..it was fun..thanks to all who made my day..!!

love ya mom, uncles, aunts, cousins..!!

2005-04-29T15:52:00.000+08:00

just went for my "tea break"..i actually went to Bedok South ATM to check my account balance..i think staring at the computer all day is doing damage to my eyes & head..i keep getting migraines everytime i start looking at the monitor..anyways, i wanted to give my eyes a break..a more than 5 minutes break..so, off i went to the ATM..

my salary comes in at the end of the month..which means tomorrow..and i don't like it when pay days fall on weekends..somehow, for me, it always screw things up..when i checked my account balance, nothing except for $1.25..no surprise there..but there was no ledger balance..if it's suppose to be credited tomorrow, there should be a 1-day ledger balance stated there..well, there was na-da..and i'm starting to get worried..

i was banking on the fact that it may come in abit early due to the weekend & public holiday..even if it comes in tomorrow, it's going to be after 2pm..i actually had plans in the morning..got to change some stuff..and companies only operate half-day tomorrow..

argghhh..

2005-04-29T11:07:00.000+08:00

i have no future as a writer..i can't write..thought i could..but after reading others' blogs..nope..no future at all..i have no idea what i'm good at..maybe i'll just be stuck at some admin job all my life..get married..have kids..and live miserably..

oh well..

2005-04-29T09:53:00.000+08:00

i saw something this morning that pissed me off..well..not just this morning..but other mornings as well..what is it..? well..read on..

as you all know..i am fat..yes..as in fat fat..but i love clothes just like any other woman..or fashion in general..and there women out there who are blessed with good, if not beautiful, bodies..bodies that can find clothes easily.. *for those who are fixed on getting a smaller size than their body are..even though they are only about size 14..wake up..!!! appreciate your body..!!!* ..and somehow these people just don't appreciate them..and i think they don't realise it..god gave you an OK body..well, the least you can do is do some research & find out about the latest fashion..or at least wear clothes that compliment each other..i, for one, never ever get it when women wear unmatched shoes & bag..rule no. 1 (for me), always wear matching shoes & bag..always..when i say matching, i'm referring to the color..get it..?!? as for tops & bottoms, make sure they have a tint of color from each other..and do not wear designs on both..uh uh, no way jose..it will look messy..it's either design on top OR bottom..keyword to remember is COMPLIMENT..

i do not have a perfect body..but it just pisses me off to see others waste theirs..if you don't appreciate it, why don't you just give it to me..?? cuz, i, for sure, can do better justice to your body..

what a way to start my Friday morning..

2005-04-28T16:31:00.000+08:00

my mind is still thinking on whether i should transfer my pay out to me mom's account or not..the reason i don't want to is my dad..somehow, mom's account is a joint account with one of his accounts..which means he can see the amount of money in her account & draw it out..i'm afraid he would do just that..i told mom about this and she said that it is unlikely that it will happen..her money, yes, maybe..but he won't take mine..i'm not so sure though..i have this strong internal gut feeling that he might just do it..

and i don't think that my account is in danger of being fraud-ed..people pass around their account numbers all the time..in the receipts..even xiaxue (the girl whose blog won an award)..

i don't think i want to transfer it out..but argghh..dilemma..!!!

dang that uncle in Jurong..he spelled dad's name wrongly in the application form..i just got my NTUC card yesterday and duh..noor instead of n-o-double r..but never mind..it gives me the chance to change the photo too..hehe..

i want to apply for the NTUC-OCBC debit card..but they need me to cheque the amount of $1000 to them to open an account with OCBC..$1000 i have..cheque i don't have..hmm..wonder if this will be a problem..